WORKING WITHIN: Empathy A Key Skill

Working Within
with Leanne Hoagland-Smith

Empathy, the ability to acknowledge the feelings of another individual without agreeing with them, is a key skill in networking. Daniel Goelman in his book Working with Emotional Intelligence suggests that individuals with high empathy also have higher EQ (emotional intelligence). High EQ is a desired trait in leadership and in working with others.

This necessary skill of empathy is not isolated, but one that is combined with many other soft skills (people skills) or what I call self -leadership skills. Through this combination both skills are enhanced and truly improve the results.

So what does it take to be empathetic? Here are five behaviors that are necessary, in my opinion, to be able to demonstrate empathy.

Behavior #1 - First, I believe the willingness to have an open mind. This is probably the greatest challenge because of our inherent belief systems. These beliefs cloud our ability to be empathetic because they are in many cases subconscious and are happening without our conscious knowledge. Having an open mind is a behavior because it is demonstrated through our body language.

Behavior #2 - Second, a commitment to leave our own egos at the door. The desire to show that we are “right” as individuals whether it is been there done that or we know better. When we are truly empathetic, the focus is on the other person and not ourselves.

Behavior #3 - Third, active listening or what some now described as purposeful listening is critical. Unfortunately, even though many have engaged in some training and development around how to improve communication skills, active listening is still not at the level it needs to be. How many times do you have to repeat yourself to a fellow employee because he or she is truly not focused on hearing your request? And less us not forget, how many times have you asked someone to repeat something because you were not truly listening?

Behavior #4 - Fourth, follow-up is also part of empathetic behavior. For example, the other day a business owner called who was not a client, but who just wanted someone to listen and provide some insight. Given her state of distress, I invested 30 minutes to listen to what she believed was an overwhelming challenge. The following day I gave her a quick follow-up call to see how she was doing.

Behavior #5 - The final behavior is not confusing empathy with sympathy. When we are sympathetic, we not only understand, but agree to what is happening. This agreement may send the wrong message to the other person. We can be truly empathetic without being sympathetic. The challenge from a behavioral perspective is to make sure our actions (responses) do not create confusion. We do not want to become the "crying towel" for everyone else in the department or organization as that would affect our own productivity. Here is where strong communication skills are required not too mention some effective time management strategies.

Again, the goal of networking is to build mutually beneficial relationships. Networking within requires many skills. Empathy is one critical skill. Future columns will explore others. Leanne Hoagland-Smith author of Be the Red Jacket in a Sea of Gray Suits.

For more information, please visit Leanne's TNNW Bio.


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WORKING WITHIN: Empathy A Key Skill

THE STRESS OF SUCCESS: Perspective is Key to Building Connections

The Stress of Success with Sifu Cinda Hocking, LMSW

We operate within many types of interconnected systems. Our planet is part of a solar system, and the earth is web of diverse living biological systems, social networks, organizations, and internet communities, to name a few. From our largest all-encompassing systems to our smallest personal relationships, there exists a multitude of intersecting and overlapping points.

One of the factors that most influences an individual’s ability to recognize, explore and develop their connections with others is simply what lens they are looking through, what perspective they choose to use in their search.

When we look at something through a microscope we see the details: we may notice how similar the building blocks are that make everything around and within us, but we also are able to see how the smallest differences in these building blocks can drastically alter appearance and functioning. The danger in this perspective is that all our differences can get magnified.

When we look through a telescope, we see the big picture we are all enmeshed in. This viewpoint can make the small differences seem far less important. Our focus may shift from the unique expressions of individual elements to the laws and principles that guide the whole. The danger in this perspective is that important small differences can be overlooked or minimized.

When we look at what is right in front of us through our eyes we see our routine everyday connections in our family, community, and workplace. It is tempting to think this perspective is the most accurate because it is the one we experience most frequently. It is the world as we are accustomed to seeing it. Our activities of daily living are the focus from this perspective. The danger in this perspective is that our vision can get a bit blurred so we only see what we expect to see, and resist anything that doesn’t fit.

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All these perspectives provide valuable information, and all create limitations when used alone. When you are creating and cultivating connections with others you need to understand what makes you the same, AND what makes you different. What makes you the same gives you a frame of reference, a common language and, ideally, a bond of shared experience. What makes you different gives you what you can learn from each other, what there is of value you can exchange, and how the relationship can contribute to mutual growth.

Ask yourself if you have been limiting your connections to those who are most similar to you. This group is comfortable and easy to be with, and it feels good to communicate and reflect shared values, ideas, and topics with them. This group is an important support network to have while building your skills, but they will not teach you to communicate with those whose life experience is substantially different.

Look for the links you have with those whose lives are different than yours. These links do exist, and can provide a foundation to build ongoing relationships. However, it is equally important to discover what there is of value to be shared in the differences between you. What do you need to learn from each other and what can you each provide in the relationship? In networking, you need to work to realize where the differences and diversity can be used to build something new, build bridges, and build something mutually beneficial.

Put on your microscope, your telescope and your glasses. They all provide you with information. Used together, they can provide an integrated view that creates amazing relationships.

Cinda Hocking, LMSW
Wellness Counselor and Internal Energy Plus Consultant
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THE STRESS OF SUCCESS: Perspective is Key to Building Connections

POWER THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Networking Power Self-Assessment, Part 3

Power Thought of the Week with Patricia Parham, Ph.D.

Referrals

You know that people understand your business when they make referrals. These are based on familiarity and trust – trust that you will deliver the quality of products and services promised dependably. Close relationships with members in your network lead to referent power, e.g., you gain from the reputation of those with whom you associate and they gain from being associated with you. Be a wise choice and choose wisely, for it is true that “birds of a feather, flock together.”
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POWER THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Networking Power Self-Assessment, Part 3

ASIA PACIFIC: Kung Hei Fat Choy

By Victor Cattermole

Asia Pacific Bureau Chief

It’s Chinese New Year time and the year of the Ox has arrived. This month I can’t help but look at what that means for the locals in China.

Quite simply the place goes crazy, the town is covered in decorations and red envelops with cash gifts are being given out like US treasury trying to kick start the economy in a day. On the evening of Tuesday 27^th the Hong Kong harbor is lit with a fireworks display that lasts over 20 minutes and is viewed by over 250,000 from every vantage point.

For Chinese though New Year is about more than these things. The Chinese are very spiritual and mystic about what the new year holds ahead for them. The year of the Ox is supposed to be a year of prosperity through hard work. Feng Shui masters are having a field day with predictions based on a variety of events and it’s fair to say the future doesn’t look bright.

A long tradition at this time of year is for family to unite and be together. For thousands and thousands of Chinese that means long trips to the provinces to be with family. It really amazes me to hear reports of people standing on trains and buses for 20 hours, 30 hours or even longer to get back to their family for a few days of celebration. It really shows what incredible value they place on these simple family relationships.

In some way we can all learn something from this aspect of Chinese culture as we look to our own relationships, the way they are created and the way we upkeep and build them. Many westerners may see the journey as a crazy one, especially to simply see family. But in the Chinese culture the family relationship is so important that this journey is what must be done to maintain that relationship.

I found that through hearing these stories and seeing these people I asked myself “What do I do to upkeep and build my relationships? In business and in life.” It is a valuable question to ask, especially as business net workers who place such importance on our relationships.

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ASIA PACIFIC: Kung Hei Fat Choy

The ROI of Relationships

Beyond Networking: Being with Ron Sukenick

It's interesting what happens sometimes when I'm talking to a group about networking and about setting in place a system for building relationships with other people. Someone in the audience will approach me after the talk, or perhaps send me an email, explaining that, while they "get" my message, they simply don't have time in their schedule for deeper relationships in business. They have to keep up their sales quotas, they say, and work on their proposals and projects, handle oceans of email, meet with their accountants, and do whatever else it is they have to do. So, when they attend a networking event, their goal is to gain exposure to as many different businesspeople as possible, and then, quickly as they can, figure out the one or two people that are in a position to do business with them now. They like the idea of "speed networking", and the speedier, the better as far as they're concerned. Long-term interactions with businesspeople with whom they can form a relationship, they're afraid, constitute a luxury they can ill afford.

Sometimes those same people talk to me about the problems in our economy. In addition to all their normal business challenges, they complain, they have to keep moving quickly (even if that means having shallower relationships, some add) if they're to survive the credit crunch, downsizing, and everything else going on.

When I hear statements such as these from members of my audience, I don't get defensive or angry. As many years as I've devoted to teaching and coaching about networking, it took me years to realize and accept the simple fact that we can help and be helped only when we invest the time to know more about other business people on a deeper level. I use that word "invest" on purpose, because that's exactly what it is, an investment. We make that investment of time and effort and purposeful listening and helping for a reason. Just as with any financial investment or real estate investment, we do it in order to increase our ROI, our return on investment.

When people finally do "get my message", they realize that taking time to interact at least six times from the time they first meet a new business contact isn't detracting

from their business, it is what will build their business! Make no mistake - going beyond just attending networking meetings to creating connections and cultivating relationships is not only personally rewarding - it's very, very good business!

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The ROI of Relationships

The Best Friends You've Never Met!

By Chris Kauza
Technology Editor

Everyday new users flock to the Social Networking sites of MySpace and FaceBook. While the media likes to portray these as sites for your kids, that juxtaposition belies the fallacy.

The dynamics of relationships are changing, and these applications are making it so that you will most likely end up with really good friends you have never met!

What are the implications for your business?

The nature and reality of relationships is changing. “Good Networking” used to be only about who you knew in your immediate circle, and who they knew in their circle, whom you could trust. Networking is evolving to include people you may not have physically met, but may have been introduced to you by a trusted source – a friend, a professional colleague (either of which you may not have physically met either), or even through a website like LinkedIn.

People are changing how they present themselves to others. They are redefining what their Brand is, and what was once considered to be merely “interesting” or “creative” is now vital to differentiating yourself from your competition, and being “top of mind” when your customers are making purchasing decisions. Users are wresting control of their environment and refashioning it to suit their purposes – which may be very different from how the original designers intended. Or different from how you intended.

The fact is, the sum total of all of your conversations and discussions about you, your product or your service are becoming your brand! And how you choose (or not choose) to use the new environment will determine how you are perceived, the level of credibility you have (or don't have) and the kinds of customers you can attract.

Over the next two months, we will examine how you can use MySpace and FaceBook in your business and networking endeavors. We will start with these because:

1) They are two of the largest and fastest growing Social Networking applications on the web today

2) Most people dismiss these out of hand as being irrelevant to their business

3) There are people who are successfully using it to connect with others and grow their business in ways that previously weren't possible.

In the meantime, if you have questions about these or other technologies, feel free to email me at ckauza@soltusgroup.com or to connect with me on LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/chriskauza

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The Best Friends You've Never Met!

What Does Health Mean to You?

By Meira Findel

Health & Wellness Editor

For each one of us the answer to this question is different. Let me share with you what it means to me and maybe you will resonate with it…

Life is full of pieces that need to fit together to make a whole picture, just like a puzzle. When all the pieces fit we feel great. For me that means that means spirituality, relationships, finances, and physical well being.

Recently I added a wonderful healer, Jozef Pinter, into my routine that has helped me balance a few things in my body and it caused a ripple effect in all the other areas of my life. Right after tax season ended I began a regimen of detoxing. However the detox wasn’t only in the physical but also emotional and spiritual levels.

When we detox a lot of things surface and it can be a little scary however with a wonderful support system of healers and teachers it is the path to heaven on earth.

Detoxing creates space for something new. A new way of thinking, living, of being.

Jozef Pinter is a wonderful healer, full of love and compassion. At heart Jozef is an inventor and he invented several products that I believe will revolutionize the medical community.

What sets Jozef apart from others is that he customizes a treatment plan of energy work, detox, foods and supplements specifically for each individual client.

I guarantee that if you are committed to this process, as I am, you will change everything about your life and create a life full of passion and energy.

You can find Jozef at the Princeton Holistic Clinic in New Jersey. He can be reached at 609-921-6700.

There are many opportunities to network at the Clinic. Check out their meetup group at: http://spiritualism.meetup.com/337/

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What Does Health Mean to You?

Important Characteristics of a Relationship mindset - Strategy two

"Beyond Networking" Being with Ron Sukenick

Ron's section is sponsored by SmallBizAmerica.com




From the book – The Power is in the Connection

Everywhere I go people often ask what the important characteristics of a relationship mindset are.

And after careful thought, I decided to tell people. After you review, if you have some additional thoughts please be sure to email me at the address below.

Enjoy!

Important characteristics of a relationship mindset:

ATTENTIVE: You pay attention to the relational needs and respond accordingly. From dressing for the proper occasion to listening three times as much, you attend to what is necessary in the moment.

RESPONSIVENESS: Provides prompt response or communicates challenges and or delays in a timely manner.

ASSURANCE: Demonstrate your expertise, and communicate areas where you are not an expert. Identify and or recommend other experts when needed to help you to deliver the quality product or service.

EMPATHY: Listening to the needs, emotions, and challenges and finding understanding within you of the other person’s perspective and situation.

DISCERNMENT: Choose actions based on your ability to determine and distinguish that which is “right” or appropriate based on all the factors at hand. The ability to sort through many variables to grasp and comprehend what is not readily obvious or visible.

Interact with VULNERABILITY and appropriate DISCLOSURE.

Demonstrate INTERPERSONAL skills that foster acceptance and partnership.

CONTINUOUS LEARNING by attending workshops, seminars, discussion groups to IMPROVE skills and SELF PERFORMANCE; always learning.

FOCUSED on HELPING others and receiving help.

Provide GUIDANCE to others

SHARE knowledge eagerly.

Make REFERRALS with no intention of personal rewards back to you.

Keep in mind the following:

From my personal experience and my work in relationship coaching, it has become very clear that our characteristics are constantly changing in interaction with one other person. To illustrate this, I am using Human Cells as a metaphor to illustrate character traits. A cell is the simplest unit of living matter working together with trillions of other cells in an organized manner for the benefit of the total being.

Like human cells, all of the diverse characteristics that make up one human being are beyond comprehension. Like cells that participate in who we are physiologically, our characteristics also participate together to make up how we show up in relationship! The composition and number of cells constantly change as cells fall off and new ones are created. The same is true for character traits. They constantly change or fall away in relationship to another person, situation, and the environment.

It is the intention of this strategy to help you think about character traits that work together in an organized manner for the benefit of the relationship; become aware of characteristics that are not helpful to the relationship, and those that are.

This is what this illustration points to. What are your characteristics? Good or bad, uncovering these traits will help you see yourself better. Many of these characteristics are hidden. You heighten your awareness of them in relationship. When a relationship is trending negatively, when you are triggered, when you feel competitive with another, when you are told you are not trusted, or when you do not trust another—these are opportunities to discover hidden character traits. It is up to you to develop your ability to bring to light character traits that are surfacing.

Like human cells that fall off, the death of a character trait may occur when you find you no longer need it. Perhaps in the past, you have valued competitiveness as a character trait. While there is nothing wrong with healthy competition, you may be finding that the competitive trait is not useful to you if you are truly working toward the benefit of another or the mutual benefit of the relationship. Perhaps you are finding that there is a character trait that you do not possess that would be beneficial to the relationship. What is it? Simply heightening your awareness of this character trait may help you form or bring it forward.

If you are forming a relationship or partnership only for financial gain and your own personal success, it will be very challenging for you to obtain relationship success and impossible to reach a mutual outcome.

Saying this from another angle--some experts on character might tell you what characteristics you “should” possess. The objective here is to help you amplify your existing characteristics and help you simply see yourself better in relationship. Think about a relationship that is not working so well right now. What character traits are surfacing for you in relationship with this person? Now, think about a relationship that is working very well. What character traits are surfacing for you in relationship with this person? This ongoing stepping back, and observing or witnessing yourself in relationship, will heighten your awareness of self and help you mindfully choose the character trait or traits most beneficial to the relationship. And, will help you to do your personal work as you watch patterns of behavior or traits over time that get in the way of relationship.

Identify relationships that would be better served if you intentionally brought different traits into the relationship. As you reflect on this strategy, what action steps will you take to further your understanding of your character and apply traits to a specific relationship?

Ron Sukenick is the Chief Relationship Officer and founder of the Relationship Strategies Institute, a training and Relationship development company that provides innovative, effective and relevant programs and systems for corporations, organizations, and associations. To learn more about the value of Relationship Development, visit his Web site at www.Ronsukenick.com . You can reach Ron by phone at: 317-216-8210, or by email.

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Important Characteristics of a Relationship mindset - Strategy two