WORKING WITHIN: Empathy A Key Skill

Working Within
with Leanne Hoagland-Smith

Empathy, the ability to acknowledge the feelings of another individual without agreeing with them, is a key skill in networking. Daniel Goelman in his book Working with Emotional Intelligence suggests that individuals with high empathy also have higher EQ (emotional intelligence). High EQ is a desired trait in leadership and in working with others.

This necessary skill of empathy is not isolated, but one that is combined with many other soft skills (people skills) or what I call self -leadership skills. Through this combination both skills are enhanced and truly improve the results.

So what does it take to be empathetic? Here are five behaviors that are necessary, in my opinion, to be able to demonstrate empathy.

Behavior #1 - First, I believe the willingness to have an open mind. This is probably the greatest challenge because of our inherent belief systems. These beliefs cloud our ability to be empathetic because they are in many cases subconscious and are happening without our conscious knowledge. Having an open mind is a behavior because it is demonstrated through our body language.

Behavior #2 - Second, a commitment to leave our own egos at the door. The desire to show that we are “right” as individuals whether it is been there done that or we know better. When we are truly empathetic, the focus is on the other person and not ourselves.

Behavior #3 - Third, active listening or what some now described as purposeful listening is critical. Unfortunately, even though many have engaged in some training and development around how to improve communication skills, active listening is still not at the level it needs to be. How many times do you have to repeat yourself to a fellow employee because he or she is truly not focused on hearing your request? And less us not forget, how many times have you asked someone to repeat something because you were not truly listening?

Behavior #4 - Fourth, follow-up is also part of empathetic behavior. For example, the other day a business owner called who was not a client, but who just wanted someone to listen and provide some insight. Given her state of distress, I invested 30 minutes to listen to what she believed was an overwhelming challenge. The following day I gave her a quick follow-up call to see how she was doing.

Behavior #5 - The final behavior is not confusing empathy with sympathy. When we are sympathetic, we not only understand, but agree to what is happening. This agreement may send the wrong message to the other person. We can be truly empathetic without being sympathetic. The challenge from a behavioral perspective is to make sure our actions (responses) do not create confusion. We do not want to become the "crying towel" for everyone else in the department or organization as that would affect our own productivity. Here is where strong communication skills are required not too mention some effective time management strategies.

Again, the goal of networking is to build mutually beneficial relationships. Networking within requires many skills. Empathy is one critical skill. Future columns will explore others. Leanne Hoagland-Smith author of Be the Red Jacket in a Sea of Gray Suits.

For more information, please visit Leanne's TNNW Bio.


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WORKING WITHIN: Empathy A Key Skill

VIEW FROM THE C-SUITE: Leadership and Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

View from the C-Suite with Joyce Grillo

We often hear people say, “Joe must be high in EQ.” Or, “ Mary’s low in EQ.”

But what do we really know about emotional intelligence (EQ)? Why is it important to a leader’s effectiveness and can it be learned? This article is the first in a series of articles that will explore these questions as well as the connection between EQ and leadership. We will begin by focusing on one of the core components of EQ – self-awareness.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

EQ is the social equivalent of IQ. According to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence and Working with Emotional Intelligence, there are five components of EQ. The first three components of EQ are all about managing oneself. The last two are about managing relationships with others.

Self-Awareness – the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives, as well as their effect on others.

Self-Regulation – the ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods.

Motivation – a passion to work for reasons that go beyond money or status.

Empathy – the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people.

Social Skill - the proficiency in being persuasive and managing relationships and building networks.

What Is The Connection Between Leadership and EQ?

In my work as a leadership consultant and coach to executives for the last 20 years, I have seen first hand how EQ has played a critical role in what makes some successful and others derail. As you go up the corporate ladder, your technical skills – what you were initially hired for – become less important and your EQ becomes more important. This poses a challenge for those leaders who rely only on their “smarts” to get to the C-suite.

Why do technical skills become less important over time? In order to be truly effective a leader must know who they are and how to stay calm in a crisis. Their agenda is not personal and because they are self-aware they understand what makes people tick and use that to inspire and motivate people to change. All of these are components of EQ.

In one study conducted by Goleman of highly effective leaders, intellect, cognitive skills and IQ were rated important but emotional intelligence proved to be twice as important for jobs at all levels. We know that effective leaders usually vary their style to fit the situation at hand. There is, however, one thing effective leaders have in common and that is that they all have a high degree of emotional intelligence.

Developing Self-Awareness

There is a reason that self-awareness is the first component of emotional intelligence. As Socrates said thousand of years ago, “know thyself.” Unless you first understand who you are or what I refer to as one’s “default style” it is difficult to understand others and score highly on the other four components of emotional intelligence.

Self-aware leaders are confident because self knowledge acts as an anchor to how they relate to the outside world. They are centered and honest with themselves being neither cynical nor unrealistic. Further, they know and accept their strengths, weaknesses, needs, drives, values and emotions. They know how their feelings affect them and others. For example, one leader I coached realized that the colleague he had the most difficulty relating to displayed behaviors similar to those of his father with whom he had a strained relationship. Knowing this enabled him to understand the impact this person had on his emotions and he was able to objectively step back and neutralize his frustration.

Can You Recognize EQ in Yourself?

The challenge for many is how can you recognize it in yourself? It’s difficult to measure your own EQ. There are ways of finding out where you are on the EQ scale. The least effective is through a self-assessment alone for obvious reasons. Over the years, I have been amazed at the number of people in mid-life who were lacking in self-awareness and the impact their behaviors had on others.

The most effective way is by combining a self-assessment and a 360-degree evaluation process where you get feedback on various components of EQ from your boss, colleagues and direct reports. When this is done and debriefed by someone independent such as a leadership coach, it assures a higher level of accuracy, which helps you develop in those areas where you are weak. If the company you work for does not offer 360 evaluations, then select some colleagues and friends who know you well and ask them to rate you on the components of EQ.

Can EQ Be Learned?

The goods news is EQ can be learned. Scientific and psychological and developmental research suggests that some people are born with certain amounts of EQ and that nurture also plays a role. What we do know is that it can be learned but not in a one day training program.

First you need to be aware of your behaviors and the impact you have on others and then be motivated to change. It is then that you are ready to begin breaking old behavioral habits and replacing them with new ones. This process of doing and reflecting takes time. Malcomb Gladwell in his new book, Outliers, makes the case that it takes 10,000 hours to reach a level of mastery at something. Trying these new behaviors at the outset may not be the most comfortable so you need to hang in there and not give up. It is only in experimentation and repetition that lasing behavioral change occurs.

It is important to keep in mind that building one’s EQ is not an event but a process that occurs over time. Although it may be painful, discovering how you rate on EQ is important if you want to be a good leader. I have also seen many situations where getting fired for a lack of EQ is a “wake-up” call for many to go on a journey of self-discovery. Don’t wait for that to happen. Given the right amount of motivation and the skills to change, most leaders can learn the emotional intelligence capabilities necessary to be successful.

Stay tuned for next month’s article on Leadership and Self-Regulation.

For more information contact me at joyce@grilloleadership.com.

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VIEW FROM THE C-SUITE: Leadership and Emotional Intelligence (EQ)