DEEPENING NETWORKING THROUGH RELATIONSHIPS: Deepening Relationships While Defying Time

Deepening Networking Through Relationships

with Christine Sotmary, M.S., L.Ac., CPC

The first time Denise Scotto and I met was at a new Salsa social at the Spanish Cultural Center's La Nacional in New York City. Dancers are creatures of habit and have their usual haunts. Most of the time their events start late in the evening. This was a new place and an early hour. Right from the top we hit it off as we sat there for over 3 hours waiting for things to get started. We talked and talked, sharing our lives and our philosophies. Having strong beliefs and similar values made it easy to engage on many levels and the time flew by.

Because Denise is an effective leader in issues surrounding women, children and health, I wanted to have her share with you her thoughts on how deepening her relationships has impacted her life and business.

I asked her what she values most about networking, and this is what she shared with me:
"What I hold dear about networking is building relationships--relationships require an investment of one's time and one's energy. It's not about collecting shoe boxes of business cards if you haven't established relationships. Some deepen as time goes on and others change."

Since she is so busy with all her projects, I wondered how she has time to work with so many people whom she considers friends:
"When I speak about investing time and energy, it's important that it be mutual or a two way street. Relationships can't be built by one person alone. In the past I have given and given and given and seen how it hasn't served me and doesn't lead to respect. Respect is another important aspect to all of this and I fully believe that without it, there is no possibility of having an enduring relationship. The ability to agree to disagree with another and to understand it's not a personal rejection but a difference of opinion is the key. It is important to keep this in mind and to talk things through. While we may not see eye to eye, if we have similar core values we can move forward with respect, integrity and trust. Communication and having a safe environment to talk can take us to another level."

I asked Denise how she keeps things fresh and open hearted in her networking:
"The ability to let things evolve and to not box things up is another difficult but important way to approach networking and building relationships. Exploring potentialities as we learn about others can lead to unimagined situations."

The last thing I wanted to know from Denise was what was the most important thing she learned from her experience building and deepening her relationships:
"I would say, trust your instincts. If you're not comfortable with someone then don't force yourself to make something happen. It's important to honor yourself and work through fear and lack of confidence, but if there's the proverbial oil and vinegar, then listen to the inner wisdom. Sometimes, it's about timing or things may not get off to a good start but, sometimes it's about the other person. Keeping open is important, but it's also important to recognize that we won't necessarily be liked by everyone or get along well with everyone, and that's okay too. I aim to be my best self and know when I look in the mirror that I like what I see and feel comfortable with who I am.

Here's what Denise had to say about how taking the time to deepen her relationships worked in a practical way in her life:
"Years ago, I was a practicing trial lawyer and felt deeply frustrated and burnt out. A major change in my life and career was calling me. Through my professional bar association activities with international law, I was invited to attend a reception organized as a parallel event in connection with the prepatory committee meeting for the creation of the International Criminal Court at the United Nations. At that reception I met two older women, one an attorney. As it turns out, the woman attorney invited me to be a representative of the legal organization she was involved in at the UN. Through this legal organization, I started attending various inter-governmental meetings and other events and later worked at the UN for many years on a series of short- term contracts.

“The other woman, I am happy to say, is a close friend. We collaborated on many issues at the UN by organizing high level events on matters including the situation of civilians in times of war and political instability, the rape of women and girls in war, the situation of child soldiers, the effects of war on veterans, important legal conventions that relate to women, children, the disabled, etc."

So you can see why I found Denise so interesting that first night as we waited for the dancers to arrive. We have stayed friends over this past year and gotten involved in more than just Salsa dancing. Denise is not only a lawyer but a holistic healer, too; since that is a world I know quite well, I have brought her to my networking events and introduced her to other practitioners and healers. She in turn has helped me get the word out about my memoir and introduced me to several powerful women at the UN who specialize in issues relating to long-term caregiving and the elderly. I look forward to our meetings every couple of weeks to find out what projects Denise is working on because she is living a powerful life that directly helps so many in this global village of ours.

You can find Denise Scotto at:
917-348-5483
denise.scotto@gmail.com
www.denisscotto.com


You can contact Christine Sotmary at:
Getting On Track Coaching
www.gotcoaching.com
917-273-1308sotmary@gmail.com www.livingontheverge.com www.christinesotmary.blogspot.com www.sotmary.com


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DEEPENING NETWORKING THROUGH RELATIONSHIPS: Deepening Relationships While Defying Time

The First Impression Factor, Part VIII

JetNetting with Heshie Segal

In Part VII of The First Impression Factor, you had the opportunity to assess your ability to make that all important positive first impression. How did you do? Have you recognized and implemented change in any area? If so, you will have surely seen some differences in “who you are being”. If not, and you are dubious about how to address specific challenges, you will, in the next part of this series, be given hints on making the most of each of the action items from the prior assessment. While it may take some practice, you will hone those skills until your actions become second nature.

In the next articles, we will focus on the part of the communication section dealing with the smile and eye contact. For a complete outline of all the communication skills, refer back to The First Impression Factor, Part VII. You will notice several of these categories being combined in future articles.

Before you even say a word, you already communicate with your body language...a smile, eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, and your posture. It’s all non-verbal, and to the surprise of some, it speaks louder than your words.

The Smile

The smile has its own universal language. It is the most powerful non-verbal tool we possess. It costs us nothing and it could cost us everything. It conveys a myriad of emotions without our uttering a word. It cheers the discouraged. It fosters good will in business. It makes us wealthy when we give or receive it and makes us impoverished when we withhold it or do not bestow it.

Smiling is a powerful cue that conveys warmth and friendliness. As a communication tool, it tells people you feel secure and have high self-esteem. If you smile frequently, you will be perceived as more likeable, warm, approachable, confident and non-threatening. True smiles are the result of something or someone pleasing you. They say, “I like it or I like you. Because smiles are infectious, they make people feel good and that tends to make them be more receptive to listening to you.

If the smile is inappropriate, continuous or if it is used simply to please someone else, it will certainly appear as just that . . insincere, you will not be taken seriously and will lose credibility. Avoid compulsive smiling. It is overkill and negative. Smirk and you take the risk of being perceived as sarcastic and negative.

True smiles are not usually very prolonged. In fact, the Long Smile might frequently be faked or forced. It can be distracting and invariably arouse a negative feeling...unless of course the situation is one that makes you genuinely happy.

How and when you smile has meaning:

Our smiles come in many sizes, shapes, widths, and with and without teeth showing, each used for a reason.

1. The Simple Smile shows no teeth. It is used in passing another person or simply when you think of something pleasant; like smiling to yourself. When it is forced, it tends to indicate insincerity.
2. The Upper Smile exposes the upper teeth. This smile is often used when greeting someone. Eye contact normally accompanies this type of smile.
3. With the Broad Smile, both upper and lower teeth are visible. This smile is an indication of genuine interplay of good humor, jest, and belly laughter. No eye contact needs to accompany this laugh.
4. Oblong Smiles, where the lips are drawn back fully, have no depth and are usually a forced indication of politeness.
5. The Lip-In Smile is similar to the upper smile. In this case, the lower lip is pulled in between the teeth. It sometimes signals a feeling of subordination.

Your smile may be so big, so genuine, so loud when you laugh, there may not even be a need to make eye contact. And still remember, you must return to the eye contact because it is here that the real connection begins.

In Part IX, we will focus on that connection...the eye contact that can establish the trust and deepens rapport.

________________________________________________________

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The First Impression Factor, Part VIII

The First Impression Factor, Part VII

JetNetting with Heshie Segal

Tips on how to make a positive first impression and an opportunity for self-assessment:

As you read through the lists below rate yourself as you believe others would rate you. Be brutally honest, since personal acknowledgment is the first step to development and growth.

At the end of each segment total your scores and see how you stack up. Thereafter, immediately create an action plan for your self-development.

Become as much as you can be and positive first impressions will become your hallmark and your success.

About Communication 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Be attentive o o o o o o o o o o

Make people feel heard o o o o o o o o o o

Ask intelligent questions o o o o o o o o o o

Ask questions and listen to the answers o o o o o o o o o o

Be an active listener. o o o o o o o o o o

Make restatements – to ensure your understanding o o o o o o o o o o

Seek to understand o o o o o o o o o o

Be empathetic and show your caring o o o o o o o o o o

Be encouraging o o o o o o o o o o

Make and sustain appropriate eye contact o o o o o o o o o o

Be fully engaged o o o o o o o o o o

Be flexible o o o o o o o o o o

Smile o o o o o o o o o o

Be a self-starter o o o o o o o o o o

Be supportive o o o o o o o o o o

Use positive body language o o o o o o o o o o

Be in control of your own communication o o o o o o o o o o

Be reassuring o o o o o o o o o o

Be receptive to the ideas of others o o o o o o o o o o

Be tactful/diplomatic o o o o o o o o o o

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Scores (add each column and multiply it by it’s value

then add all scores together to get a total)

Total Score ___________

About Being 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Be likable o o o o o o o o o o

Be authentic/open/honest/genuine o o o o o o o o o o

Be yourself o o o o o o o o o o

Be accommodating/helpful/cooperative o o o o o o o o o o

Be appreciative and show it o o o o o o o o o o

Be proactive o o o o o o o o o o

Be a problem solver o o o o o o o o o o

Be respectful o o o o o o o o o o

Be confident o o o o o o o o o o

Be consistent o o o o o o o o o o

Be creative/imaginative o o o o o o o o o o

Be curious o o o o o o o o o o

Be courteous/polite/gracious o o o o o o o o o o

Be dynamic/energizing o o o o o o o o o o

Be memorable o o o o o o o o o o

Be friendly/pleasant o o o o o o o o o o

Be welcoming of others o o o o o o o o o o

Be interested vs. interesting o o o o o o o o o o

Let your optimism be evident o o o o o o o o o o

Be decisive o o o o o o o o o o

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Scores (add each column and multiply it by it’s value

then add all scores together to get a total)

Total Score ___________

About Being Your Word 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Do what you say you will do o o o o o o o o o o

Be dependable o o o o o o o o o o

Only make promises you will keep o o o o o o o o o o

Be on time o o o o o o o o o o

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Scores (add each column and multiply it by it’s value,

then add all scores together to get a total)

Total Score ___________

What do the scores mean?

About Communication

160 – 200 You are clearly a good communicator, externally focused and make a very positive first impression

120 – 159 Keep up the good work, focus on your lowest scores and your first impressions quotient will rise rewardingly

80 – 119 You are in the development stage and might benefit from a communication skills course

40 – 79 Acknowledge yourself for your honesty. You will want to take a very serious look at your weakness and diligently work on growth and improvement. Seek help.

10 – 39 This is an unusually low score and suggests significant trauma that has delayed your communication skills development. You will want to take a very serious look at your weakness and diligently work on growth and improvement. Seek help

About Being

160 – 200 You are clearly comfortable with yourself, congruent in your being and action, and make a very strong and positive first impression

120 – 159 Keep up the good work, focus on your lowest scores, your comfort with self will escalate and your first impression impact will rise rewardingly

80 – 119 You are in the development stage and might benefit from a self development course

40 – 79 Acknowledge yourself for your honesty. You will want to take a very serious look at your weaknesses and diligently work on personal grounding, confidence and comfort. Some great courses and workshops exist that can help you along the way.

10 – 39 This is an unusually low score and suggests significant delayed your personal development (unless it is age related). You will want to take a very serious look at your weakness and diligently work on grounding, self-confidence, growth and improvement. Seek help. Some great courses and workshops exist that can help you along the way.

About being Your Word

36 – 40 You are the pillar of society. This is the first step to make relationships blossom

30 –35 Step yourself up a notch. We either have integrity or we don’t. There is no half way. Go the extra mile

20- 29 You need to decide whether relationships have any value to you. This level score points to a lack of integrity, without which relationships become hard to sustain.

4 – 19 You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and decide what win/win solutions really mean. The implications are you are self-absorbed and have an opportunity to a significantly enhance your relationships (and likely your life) with some effort; if you so choose.

In the next issues in the First Impression Series, I will help you build on the above to make sure the first impression you make becomes a lasting one.

________________________________________________________

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The First Impression Factor, Part VII