HEADLINE: Insani-FREE: The Hidden Relationship Killer

by Adam J. Kovitz

CEO, Founder & Publisher

“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”

- Emo Phillips

WARNING! This column contains FREE information. Since it is FREE, it’s probably of little value and therefore, you have the following options:

1.) Stop reading now – while it might be FREE, it’s probably a waste of time – we all know that anything of value must COST A LOT OF MONEY

2.) Discover what the “catch” is – is there really something of value here that’s being offered? – what’s Adam getting at? (besides ending sentences with prepositions)

3.) Pay me a large sum of money out of spite and continue reading, or

4.) Pay me a large sum of money to shut me up (good luck with that).

I have important and grim news for all who have the courage to read on…

…this planet is suffering from a “hidden killer”…

…it often comes disguised as something useful and welcome, but always (and eventually) gets us in the end…

I’m talking about “FREE”.

OK…it’s not that the term itself is to blame, but rather our common misinterpretation and lack of understanding of its implications that leads us into very dark water. My article this month is about understanding such implications.

What does this have to do with networking?

EVERYTHING.

Bait and Switch?

How often have you downloaded FREE virus/spyware/adware/registry error scanning software, and receiving the scan for FREE, to find that the viruses/spyware/adware/registry errors detected can only be removed if you agree to purchase of a one-year license of the actual software?

How about getting FREE alarm system (an $X value!) if you agree to purchase of a one year contract for home monitoring?

How about a FREE entrée at your favorite restaurant if you agree to purchase of another at equal or greater value?

Last but not least…a FREE 3-day, 2-night getaway to a fabulous resort if you agree to a “short” sale presentation?

Just what exactly is going on here…has the world gone mad?

What’s wrong with these companies? Why can’t they just give us something ABSOLUTELY FREE WITHOUT ANY OTHER STRINGS ATTACHED? WHY MUST I AGREE TO ANYTHING ELSE?

The immediately proceeding dialog is more a caricature of an attitude you have most likely experienced in your life at some point – whether you’ve noticed it within others or yourself. It is indicative of what I call “Insani-FREE”; an “insanity” around or at best, a misunderstanding of the term “FREE”.

Understanding “FREE”

To understand “FREE”, we must first ask the question, “Why do we do anything for FREE?”

This is much like saying, “Why do we do anything nice for someone else?”

The answer comes down simply to “increase Relationship Capital”, or as it is more commonly-known, “to build a better relationship”.

The reasons for increasing Relationship Capital (RC) can mean anything from making a friend, deriving a future revenue source, gaining sponsorship or backing to fund one’s dream, finding a new career opportunity, being seen more favorably and much, much more.

In this way, “FREE”, is one way of initiating a relationship – it’s an invitation (or offer) to enter a relationship, if you will. But for there to be a relationship (last time I checked, it was a “two-way street”), every invite must elicit a response (or agreement). Therefore, a response to an invite is an agreement to participate. Does this sound familiar to you? Can you think of a fundamental Law of the Universe to which this is a direct application?

Some people call it the Law of Reciprocity. Others call it the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as they would do unto you”. Being a “recovering engineer and rocket scientist”, I usually look to Newtonian Physics to explain such phenomena.

In previous writings about the Laws of Relationship Capital, I have shown that RC behaves in a way that is Newtonian (see the Fourth Law of Relationship Capital for more). In this case, Newton’s Third Law comes to mind:

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

When we fall victim to Insani-FREE, we fail to make this crucial connection. But wait…there’s more…

“FREE” Body Diagrams

One common engineering principal used to identify the components of any working system (mechanical, thermodynamic, electrical, hydraulic, etc.) is to model said system by using a free body diagram (FBD). Without getting too overly-technical (this is a business and social networking publication for heaven’s sake), here’s what a typical FBD looks like for a block of wood at rest on a table would look like:

By the term “at rest”, this block is considered to be static, and therefore all forces (signified by a capital “F”) acting upon it are equally balanced, both horizontal and vertical. If any one force acting upon the block of wood were to be greater than its opposing counterpart, then the block would begin to accelerate in the same direction as the greater force.

If we applied this to a human relation-based system, here’s what it might look like:

What this shows is a brand new relationship (or the rekindling of a long lost one – see the Fifth Law of Relationship Capital for more) with two equal and opposite forces acting upon it. The first (on the bottom) is an invitation or offer (let’s just say it’s a FREE one) and the second (on the top) is and equal and opposite response to it. What we have here has the potential to be the “start of a beautiful friendship”.

A few months ago, I wrote an article about Relationship Capital in the Workplace, in which I described the Relationship Capital Value (RCV) of individuals, products, organizations, relationships, etc. as having a value from -10 to 10, with -10 being highly unfavorable and 10 being highly favorable. Please note that these values are based solely upon the perceptions of all parties involved with the relation-based system.

In the above illustration we show a new relationship (with a neutral RCV status of zero) being acted upon by two equal and opposite reputational forces. This is great as far as illustrating a static relationship. In the case of a FREE offer (with the underlying motivation to make a sale), the object is to move the RCV from zero into the positive range through the timeless human principles of motivation, rhetoric, debate, manipulation, reasoning, banter, active listening, etc.

Therefore, the relationship must be made dynamic to increase RCV. How does one do this? By applying more force than that which is opposing it in such a way that is agreeable to the opposing force.

Real World Dynamic Relationships

Have you ever felt that you have put everything into a relationship (bent over backwards, was gracious, more than accommodating to others, given high-quality referrals) to improve it only to have it deteriorate because the other person or people involved didn’t reciprocate?

Have you ever felt that despite having considerably high amounts of Relationship and/or Intellectual Capital (who and what you know) you have not been able to leverage that into sufficient Financial Capital?

Where was Newton’s Third Law here?

How about the Ninth Law of Relationship Capital: Financial Capital is merely a reflection of and cannot exist without some combination of Relationship and Intellectual Capital?

Let’s take a look at what that might look like:

In this case, we have a “give and take” situation in which the “taking” is reducing RCV. There are several reasons for why this might happen – some of which are:

1. The invitation/offer does not meet the needs of the other party, which might spark a strong adverse reaction, such as an insult
2. The invitation/offer is overly aggressive to the point where the other party must counter with a stronger opposing response
3. The invitation/offer is not appreciated by the other party and is met with lack of interest or apathy (yes…lack of interest or apathy can be a powerful reputational force)
4. A misunderstanding in the perceived reputational force of the invitation/offer may cause a stronger opposing response due to mistrust or fear, a.k.a. Insani-FREE!!!
   
5. The party behind the opposing responsive force wishes ill will upon the opposing party – perhaps seeking to “make an example” of them.

There are probably other reasons for why this phenomenon occurs and I will either leave this for the psychologists and other armchair philosophers out there or I may decide to tackle such issues myself in subsequent articles. Regardless, the real question to ask is, “how to we overcome such a loss in RCV?”

For the answer, we turn to Newton’s Second Law: Objects at rest tend to stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force and objects in motion tend to stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.

In mathematical terms, this is written as:

F = m * a

Where:

F is force

m is mass, and

a is acceleration.

In my discussion of the Fourth Law of Relationship Capital I apply this principle to networking (human-based relationship systems) as such:

F = Rm * Im

Where:

F is reputational force

Rm is reputational mass, and

Im is impact (the acceleration of RC, or for those mathematically-inclined, the second derivative of RC).

Therefore, if we wish to oppose, counter and reverse any negatively-declining RCV in any relationship we wish to preserve, we must apply a much stronger reputational force. This means:

1.) Increasing reputational mass, i.e. getting friends, family, contacts, followers, team members, co-workers into agreement to aid us, and/or

2.) Increasing impact through a stronger message, an ultimatum, physical means, etc.

The implications of this are considerable. Imagine being able to estimate and model the reputational force of social, political, marketing and managerial initiatives. What impact might this type of analysis have upon our lives?

My thinking is that this would increase awareness of identifying a stimulus or improved result, analyzing various scenarios and choosing the best response in order to increase RCV. I believe that all too often, we fail to take into consideration the intangible, yet most-important “human element” in our equations, calculations and plans.

One thing’s for sure…

…you will never look at a FREE offer the same way again!

Adam J. Kovitz is the CEO, Founder & Publisher of The National Networker (TNNW).

Follow Adam on Twitter!

The Emergence of the Relationship Economy

Relationship Capital is the cornerstone of the Relationship Economy, which RNIA defines as “a measurement assigned to individual and organizational entities based on the relationship interactions between them, and the interactions they have internally.” I am proud to have contributed discussion of the Ten Laws of Relationships Capital to the upcoming book The Emergence of the Relationship Economy, now out as an eBook and in hardcopy. With a forward written by Doc Searls (of Cluetrain Manifesto fame), it is being considered a “must read” for anyone responsible for the strategic direction of their business. If you would like to purchase your own copy of The Emergence of the Relationship Economy, please click here.

*******
Posted to THE NATIONAL NETWORKER (TNNW). All rights reserved.

To subscribe for your free TNNW Newsletter, go to http://www.thenationalnetworker.com/ For the complete National Networker (TNNW) Relationship Capital Toolkit and a free continuous RSS feed (available either by traditional RSS or by direct email), go to: http://thenationalnetworkerweblog.blogspot.com/

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HEADLINE: Insani-FREE: The Hidden Relationship Killer

TNNW Bulletin and Updates, June, 2009, Week 1

Major Developments, Forward Motion, Events and Actionable Items: TNNW - We ARE Networking

June 6, 2009

Bulletin # 18

*PUTTING THE TIN BACK INTO BULLETIN*

*We are a unique organization that offers our Subscribers and Members: 1) fabulous information, insight and intelligence in our Newsletter and through our continuous RSS and Email Feeds, 2) an unparalleled suite of services and products for making you personally and professionally successful, and 3) an actual interpersonal community where Human Beings work together in cooperation and synergy to achieve exponential returns.

When you become a Member of TNNW you haven't merely joined a list, or gotten access to products and services...you've joined a Strategic Alliance. We are an organization dedicated to making our Members successful.

THE NATIONAL NETWORKER is more than talk about networking and media -- we are about connections, team-bulding, personal introductions, constructive interactivity and RELATIONSHIPS.

• Our free Newsletter: The highest quality standard in the industry -


• Our Suite of Services For Members: Unparalleled quality, utility and value -


• Our Community: We are an international organization, comprised of Subscribers and Members who truly interact, communicate, build strong relationships and promote and support each other for every individual's financial and social benefit. Relationship Capital.

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1. A NEW BUTTON (YEP)

If you look at the bottom of any of our articles, you will notice a whole set of new applications to save, bookmark re-publish, broadcast, email, comment about, rate, follow, subscribe to or promote any of our authors, any of their articles, or the whole Newsletter. Look for the buttons and use them. Promote TNNW, our authors, and yourself.

*The newest button is a lavender one which says "Submit This Article To Yahoo! Buzz". The great news is that you can use this button to promote your own articles, websites, blogs, baby photo albums, and anything else that you'd like! Promote TNNW. Promote our authors. Promote yourself, your brand and your products and services. The Trick: Click on the button, submit an url address, and then click on the "back" button to make another submission. Make as many consecutive successive submissions as you'd like. You can spend an hour. Watch out for carpal tunnel syndrome. Please don't tell the folks at Yahoo! about this.

2. [THIS SECTION INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK]

Doesn't this annoy the heck out of you. When you see this in a prospectus or other legal document, they always leave some page or section blank. What are they hoping to fill it with? Worse: What were they compelled to delete? Hmmmm.

3. SITES TO SEE AND FAVORITIZE

For a complete sitemap and index of all of our sites, simply click on http://tnnwindex.blogspot.com/, and FAVORITIZE. {yes, yes...the page name sounds like a window cleaner} Keep this handy - when you're on any page, look for the INDEX TO TNNW SITES button to return to the Index at any time.

Visit http://tnnw10.blogspot.com/, and FAVORITIZE. We have UPDATED our listing of advertisers, affiliates and services. There are some deep promotional discounts and other advantages exclusively for TNNW subscribers. Look for ChapterTracker, Andy Lopata's 2 CD set, and, of course for Douglas Castle's exciting, self-serving and extremely bothersome new ad for THE CASTLE CONSULTANCY. If you are curious as to what Douglas does (outside of TNNW) -- He works very closely with young, growing enterprises on strategic planning and development. He is relentless, determined and demanding; on the bright side, he has good table manners. Visit DOUGLAS CASTLE PUSHES PEOPLE TOO HARD, for more details. Visit - but don't visit alone.

FAVORITIZE this one: http://tnnwservices.blogspot.com/ . See why it pays to become a full-fledged Member.

CUSTOM TEXT-MESSAGING PROGRAMS: TNNW offers its Members the best state-of-the-art text messaging services for announcing/broadcasting, sending alerts and for advertising to a captive audience...we might walk away from our computers, but we are always carrying our cellphones or PDAs! Visit http://tnnw4.blogspot.com/. This is the most efficient means of getting any message out to a targeted group with immediacy and impact. R U TXTING? U S/B.


4. FACT: HOW YOU DEAL WITH FEAR WILL MAKE YOU EITHER A LOSER OR A WINNER - Christine West's Critically-Acclaimed Webinar Series.
The primary motivating force in most people's lives is FEAR. People respond more readily to fear than to opportunity. Fear holds us back, inhibits us, makes us indecisive, attracts negative energies (misery loves company), and keeps us from reaching our potential, both personally and in business.

Question: Are you going to saddle up and ride the shark... or be eaten by it?

Question: Are you going to surf on the tidal wave or be crushed by the tsunami?

Question: Can you possibly think of any more ridiculous metaphors than these? If so, you might consider becoming an Newsletter editor for The National Networker.

TNNW Featured Columnist, noted consultant and speaker, Christine West is hosting a fabulous five-part webinar series called How To Master The Fear In Challenging Economic Times. The series begins in July -- it was originally scheduled to begin on June 9, but we thought that if we deferred it, your anxiety level would be increased.

Subscribe today for this 5-part webinar series at MASTER THE FEAR. Don't let the self-imposed limitations of fear stand between you and complete business and financial success. Invest in your future today! Christine West is a brilliant social scientist -- give yourself the gift of conquering your fears forever.

Seminar-related materials will be widely-circulated during the next several days -- you will need to register early. How you deal with fear can transform every aspect of your life.

Whether or not you are aware of it, fear has kept you from achieving many of your goals...it has kept you from maximizing your life's potential and realizing the victory and success that you deserve. Christine will teach you how to 1) identify those times when you may be making a dangerous fear-based decision; 2) set the fear aside and proceed confidently; and 3) how to see the fear in others and to change the way in which you communicate in order to gain their confidence.

***To hear a sample voice clip of Christine West, simply click on: http://www.thebusinessmd.net/downloads/TheBusinessMD-Interview-Business-Corner-09.mp3.

Note: If you do not believe that you are being motivated by fear, and you are not convinced that your responses to fear have allowed you to be manipulated and have limited your success, then you are in a state of denial! Real fear can be very subtle, and very elusive. We are conditioned from birth to be fearful, and we must absolutely be professionally trained to 1) recognize when we are being influenced by fear, and 2) to react constructively and positively despite it. You, you friends, your colleagues, your employees...every individual needs this special training. SIGN UP FOR THE WEBINAR. It will change your life. What are you afraid of? --DC

5. REMINDER: DAILY EMAIL AND RSS FEEDS

Oh, how many times we've told you... You're missing out. To get the full benefit of THE NATIONAL NETWORKER and all that we have to offer, you MUST subscribe to either the RSS FEED or the EMAIL feed. Please do it now in order to keep your free subscription! Click on:

or on

It's really quite simple. If you actually do it, you'll find out that this is indeed true. By the way, the email feed, which contains all of the content of the RSS Feed as well, is the more popular of the two by a significant margin. I personally prefer the Daily Email Feed. Plus, I can forward copies of articles which I like to my colleagues.

If you do this now, I may be able to spare you a personal telephone call (collect) from Adam J. Kovitz (who loves to see his name in print), a very persuasive fellow. He is every bit as convincing as he is annoying. I say this from experience. Do as Kovitz asks, or he will wear you down! How do you think it got me to work for him? It wasn't his charm, or his collection of bibs from seafood restaurants of the world. Please -- do this.

6. GET A FREE TWITTER ACCOUNT AND FOLLOW TNNW ON TWITTER. TWITTER US. BUZZ TNNW UP. BUZZ YOURSELF UP. LET TNNW BUZZ YOU!

You can get your free Twitter account by going to http://twitter.com/. As soon as you do, start following us and following other Twitterers of interest.

You are cordially invited to follow TNNW (and we will follow you back) on Twitter at http://twitter.com/TNNW_BUZZWORKS. Also, remember to take a look at the TNNW BUZZWORKS page (http://tnnwbuzzworks.blogspot.com/).

If you talk us up, we'll give you and your organization more cross-media exposure and SEO exposure than all of your best friends combined. If you would like to follow Kovitz or Castle on Twitter, go to http://twitter.com/ajkovitz or http://twitter.com/douglascastle ...we'll even follow you, too. Twitter us. Re-Tweet us. Buzz us.

Note: If you write anything nice about TNNW, our Newsletter, our blog, our services, or our authors, go to http://tnnwbuzzworks.blogspot.com/ and tell us about it. There is a pop-up form where you can give us the url address of your kind words, and we'll give you a buzz back that will knock you out of your shoes. In fact, on the form, we even give you space to write what you would like us to say about you, your service, product or organization. Create your own buzz ad.

When we buzz you back, our buzz all about you will fly repeatedly through an ever-expanding circle of social and business media, opt-in subscribers and other internet venues. In fact, before even figuring in the reverberations, our buzzed message about you will literally be seen by millions of viewers. The bad news is this: 99% of these viewers won't really care. The good news is this: if you only capture the attention of 1%...we'll leave it to you to do the math. Take advantage.

Your buzz will be brief, catchy and very widely and repeatedly seen. Our BUZZWORKS program is designed to get your buzz out to an audience of millions within one day. Each day after that, the buzz will continue to ricochet (did we spell that right?). Your single buzz will be in flight for days. Our programming is fabulous -- and, by saying something nice about us, you can leverage our programming to your incredible advantage.

*Remember: Print something nice, and then please tell us about it at http://tnnwbuzzworks.blogspot.com/ . We will reciprocate exponentially.

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Enjoy the articles, and enjoy all of our TNNW sites. We have so much to offer each other. Let's get to know each other. Let's actually build solid relationships. Let's become friends. Let's help one another to prosper. Nobody does it completely alone. Get proactive. Build your Relationship Capital with THE NATIONAL NETWORKER. Write to us or comment on an article to get the ball rolling. We are a community, and our numbers and influence are growing.

Yours,

Adam J. Kovitz* (mostly) and Douglas Castle (to a lesser extent).

*Adam J. Kovitz seeks gratification constantly (the result of some unresolved childhood issues -- we all have them), and he loves to see his name in print, unless it is on utility bills, subpoenas to testify before Congress, and so forth. Please help assuage him. Pander to him -- it wouldn't hurt. Mention his name on your websites, blogs, newsletters, communion invitations, Bingo cards, restroom stall grafitti and such. As for me, I'll shall endeavor to carve Adam's name into a tree! I hope that Adam's next-door neighbor won't be too upset.

THE NATIONAL NETWORKER (TNNW):
PRESS OUR BUTTONS & CLICK OUR LINKS...

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TNNW Bulletin and Updates, June, 2009, Week 1

ASIA PACIFIC: Assumptions

by Victor Cattermole

Asia Pacific Bureau Chief

Over the last month I’ve been giving some serious thought to the power and persuasion that a simple assumption has over people. We have all done it, assumed something that turns out to be wrong, chosen not too look closer perhaps because “we know already” or even more likely because we are too busy too care. Three separate incidents have spurred me to question my assumptions though, one small, one big, and one personal.

The small, well perhaps not so small (with over 50 million web views) is the british singer Susan Boyle on Britains got Talent. And in fact many of the performers on shows like that. Ms Boyle is a great example, an amazing voice looked over for so many years because of what, I have no doubt, is a great many assumptions. Because surely no-one with a voice like that simply hides away, and so no-one went to look (until now).

The second is the global crisis we find ourselves in now. Not so much the crisis itself, but the news coming through that we should have seen it coming, that the writing was on the wall and that so many people simple assumed that the world would continue rising. Technically it could be considered ‘business confidence’, which is just a nice way of saying we are willing to assume things are still going to be going well in the future. I have the blessing of living in Hong Kong, where so many markets are assumption based that there were still apartment complex launches, even as the global market turned in on itself.

The third great example is a friend and fellow New Zealander Denyse Saunders. I chose her as an example of what assumptions can do for one simple reason, she blonde, beautiful and was a cat walk and fashion model. So easy to put her in to a category that by many business people would be dismissed. Denyse has built a following and credibility in the business of fashion and beauty based on simple moral principals she holds that is the envy of many.

Her achievements are too many to list, they can be found on her website http://www.denysesaunders.com/index.html Some of the great ones for me include:

· Being a 50 year old grandmother and looking 30 something with no surgery

· Over a decade of successful involvement in Miss World contestants

· Numerous celebrity involvement including people like Elle McPherson and Julio Iglesias, the list goes on.

· Her own weekly TV show on SKY TV

When it comes to event design, marketing and production Denyse has an extensive network of contacts at all levels and is unquestionably the Australasian provider of quality. A real gem in the Pacific.

Through her life she has built herself up to be a great businesswomen, a great networker and a great person. I can only wonder as I talk with her and listen to some of her wisdom, how many people may have written this woman off in her life as “just some blonde” or “just that model”. How many of the business men that ogled her on the cat walk assumed so much about her that they failed to see the amazing and gifted person behind the glitz and glamour.

It is a lesson all business people should take, especially in these tougher economic times, that sometimes taking a second look, giving just a moment of your time and pushing aside any preconceived ideas can uncover things you may have never thought possible.

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Posted to THE NATIONAL NETWORKER (TNNW). All rights reserved.

To subscribe for your free TNNW Newsletter, go to http://www.thenationalnetworker.com/ For the complete National Networker (TNNW) Relationship Capital Toolkit and a free continuous RSS feed (available either by traditional RSS or by direct email), go to: http://thenationalnetworkerweblog.blogspot.com/

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ASIA PACIFIC: Assumptions

THE BOOM IN BOOMER NETWORKING: Being Approachable

The Boom in Boomer Networking with Elaine

Engaging goes hand- in- hand with being Approachable.

As a Baby Boomer jumping into the networking “lifestyle” with both feet planted firmly in mid-air, I am amazed that there is so much to learn, and so little time in which to learn it!

I have learned so much about networking in these few short months since the birth of my Boomer Community, SrMeetUp! that I am virtually bursting with information to share. But since I tend to gather my words faster than my mouth works, I will type very sloooooowly –I promise.

I’ve engaged well before “engaging” became trendy. To engage was like putting on a new black dress – it was basic – every one of my species should have one (and I’ll use any occasion to buy one – retail therapy – I’m a fan). Men – figure out what makes you happy (keep it cleanJ). Some of the best people I’ve met have been through random encounters enjoyed way before SrMeetUp! became a reality. I have no idea why, but I banked these new acquaintances and now I am withdrawing from that bank with an amazingly high growth of principal. (I know, I know, another platitude - but tell me, can’t you visualize exactly what I mean!).

I always realized how overburdened and over extended most people felt – me too. So I never asked for anything except to talk and mostly to listen – me listening to them. Listening is the best part of networking – gathering information you can incorporate into your projects and sharing with others. Realizing how many interests you have in common and people you both know is the next best thing. When you meet new people, for a while at least, you have this great feeling of anonymity – you can be whomever you want – that is at least until you share contact information.

Engaging is just one part of the equation – You have to be approachable as well. That little proverbial “chip on your shoulder” can be more like a boulder if you are not approachable. Being approachable is what happens when you know from what you speak, you are confident in whom you are and what you want to convey – simply said, you are comfortable in your own skin, knowledgeable about what you know and genuinely interested to learn what you do not know.

So networkers of America, and the rest of this great world – get out there, engage and smile – You are making bank deposits! It is only a matter of time before your deposits will begin to pay handsome dividends.

-- Elaine Ingis

http://srmeetup.blogspot.com/

http://www.srmeetup.com/

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Posted to THE NATIONAL NETWORKER (TNNW). All rights reserved.

To subscribe for your free TNNW Newsletter, go to http://www.thenationalnetworker.com/ For the complete National Networker (TNNW) Relationship Capital Toolkit and a free continuous RSS feed (available either by traditional RSS or by direct email), go to: http://thenationalnetworkerweblog.blogspot.com/

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THE BOOM IN BOOMER NETWORKING: Being Approachable

BREAKTHROUGH NETWORKING: The Ole Boy Network Still Has Teeth

Breakthrough Networking with Lillian D. Bjorseth

I’m not a sexist, and I’m not a bra-burning feminist. I am a realist. That’s why I can say that the ole boy network still unequivocally affects relationship building in the corporate hallowed halls … not so much in the entrepreneurial ranks.

Building beneficial relationships knows no gender boundaries. It is equally beneficial for men and women, and the process can be equally daunting or equally easy for members of either sex.

Male chauvinists and radical feminists agree on one thing: Women, probably by nature or because they are the bearers of children, are more nurturing and tend to be more cooperative, empathic and understanding in a non-biased manner. After all, they share their love unselfishly as they give birth to and rear boys and girls.

Most women are natural networkers and intuitively better at it than men. They, their mothers and their grandmothers have been recommending recipes, hairdressers and skincare products across kitchen tables for generations. Where the challenge for many women arises is in the business arena. The increased emphasis on teaching relationship building is helping women become more confident and competent about transferring their skills to the workplace.

Some “older” women were taught by their mothers (who thought them to be positive qualities) to be seen and not heard, not to exploit their personal relationships or to “brag” about themselves. Hopefully, parents today are teaching their daughters that it is acceptable for women to be just as assertive as men, socially and in business, and that as their daughters become mothers this issue will be largely non-existent.

There is another major challenge, however, that needs to be overcome. I left the Fortune 100 environment almost 20 years ago; yet some of the tales I hear women share today take me back in a flash.

In business likes tend to want to work with likes, i.e. women with women and men with men. Because there are only a handful of women CEOs in the Fortune 500 companies, it’s easy to understand why women may not have the same opportunities to build high-value business relationships. This will only change as more women rise to top jobs at major corporations and become more than token members of corporate and organizational boards of directors.

That’s exactly what the ole boys’ network was and in some cases still is: men at the top helping other men rise to the same levels. Women are not yet as privy to networking in these elite places so while their skills are top-notch, their results may be less powerful and have less impact.

Women, however, are gaining in numbers what they lack in force. Because of the corporate glass ceilings (they still exist!), so many of them are starting businesses and becoming owners and presidents that they are beginning to gain clout through sheer numbers. This, in turn, adds clout to the relationships they are building. While they may not be managing the same number of people individually, in aggregate they are managing as many or more people than their corporate counterparts. They are learning important leadership skills as they grow their businesses and become involved in civic, professional and community organizations.

Another encouraging sign is the number of company-sponsored women’s networks that are being formed within major corporations. Some of them, though, are still perfunctory.

A representative of a newly formed women’s group at a Chicago accounting firm

contacted me to present a program on relationship building. We agreed it would provide valuable skills for the women’s professional development. When we started talking fees, she said there was no budget. Ironically, she continued to

state how top management (all men) was so supportive of their initiative … yet they wanted to get a speaker - a woman - to donate her time. It was even more pathetic that management wouldn’t even agree to pay my travel expenses (from a Chicago suburb)!

Perhaps, I am optimistic in stating how far women have come!

Time will tell. You, as men and women reading this article, can greatly help the process move forward positively.

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BREAKTHROUGH NETWORKING: The Ole Boy Network Still Has Teeth

JETNETTING: The First Impression Factor: XIII Gestures Part 1

JetNetting with Heshie Segal

First impressions are crucial. When the words you utter are not congruent with your gestures (or for that fact, your body language in general), the latter will negate what you are saying and you will appear untrustworthy. Once you understand the importance of trust, and how business can be created or lost in the first impression, you will want to possess every tool available to make sure you are on target. Your awareness of how you appear to others, what you have to do to gain trust, and having the ability to interpret the language of gestures, gives you a decided advantage.

Every thought is manifested by a physical reaction in the body, generally expressed in some form of gesture. We define a gesture as an act or movement of the body that reflects, expresses or emphasizes an idea, sentiment or attitude. Gestures help capture a listener’s attention, make conversation more interesting and facilitate comprehension when used for emphasis and/or for the clarification of points.

When gestures are congruent with the words that accompany them, they are recognized as sincere and are hence convincing. Ideally, every movement you make is deliberate, thoughtful and reinforces the message you are conveying.

I am frequently addressed by a statement and a question: I get the importance about congruence. What are the do’s and don’ts related to gestures?

… Gestures should not be overdone; not too extreme, and not so small that they are unnoticeable. They must be suited to the audience. For example, slower paced or methodical people and/or seniors often feel threatened by exaggerated gestures; on the other hand, emotionally responsive people and especially children, get excited by exaggeration.

… Gestures should be seen as part of the spoken word, not as a separate entity; in other words,

there should be congruence in word, content and action. When gesturing is an integral

part of the spoken word, it will indeed not be noticed as a separate entity; in fact, it might not even be noticed in a conscious sense and, definitely not missed and responded to by the sub-conscious. There is freedom in this congruency and together they provide the solid credibility most of us seek.

… When evaluating the meaning of a gesture, avoid attaching significance to a single movement, because it could simply reflect one specific habit or compulsive behaviour pattern.

… Like words, gestures do not stand alone. While you may learn that specific gestures are "supposed" to mean “this or that”, when interpreting them, they need to be assessed in the context of a situation since the same gestures take on many meanings. Enter the gesture cluster.

… Gesture clusters are combinations of non-verbal communication that provide a more meaningful interpretation when observed in a continuum of actions. They are modified by differing temperaments, personalities and/or attitudes. Consider this: Someone says he is open to listening, yet sits with folded arms, crossed legs, and uses a pointed finger; this is both incongruent and suspicious. Interestingly, I’m sure some of you have already recognized that gesture-clusters can communicate on their own, without even a single word being uttered.

… Understanding the true meaning of gestures is subject to time, place, context of the conversation and circumstance. To complicate the issue even more, they are further affected by cultures and countries.

1. Nodding can mean interest or approval, and even disapproval in some cultures.

2. A kiss is a gesture of affection in the West. In much of Eastern Asia a kiss is not appropriate outside the bedroom. In Kuwait, you will be in trouble if you kiss someone of the opposite sex in public
3. How you behave at someone else’s dinner party may be very different from how you

behave at home.

While gestures might be understood to have some meanings in common, it is important to know they are also prone to numerous exceptions, misconceptions, confusion and variations in emphasis. Jumping to conclusions and reacting to them can go from simple embarrassment to a disastrous predicament. For example, when someone who wears glasses lowers their head and peers over the rim, it may indicate scepticism or, if they are not wearing bifocals, they may just want to see you better. Not jumping to quick conclusions is generally a prudent action.

… As you react to the gestures of others, realize those same people, are simultaneously reacting to your gestures. You and the person with whom you are interacting might have similar views on a subject and, because of style differences, the gestures you and they use, will be different; even if only slightly.

When you understand what your gestures are ’“saying”, you have a better chance of creating alignment with your words. Remember there are always exceptions to what seem to be the rules. The main learning points are:

… Make sure your intention (your thoughts) and your words are in harmony. This will lead to synchronicity of actions and, since you are no longer focusing on manipulative tactics, it allows you to hone in on accurately interpreting the gesture-language of the other(s).

… Relational power, self-assuredness and heightened levels of influence are at stake.

There are hundreds of gestures, each with numerous meanings. a very lengthy list with extensive descriptions will be found in my upcoming book. Some basic examples follow.

what gestures (GENERALLY) mean:

… Chin stroking (with thumb and index finger)

Evaluating the situation

Trying to make a decision

… Ear rubbing is a sign of impatience or "I've heard enough".

… Ear tugging

Nervousness

Anxious

Urge to interrupt (not a repetitious motion)

… Fidgeting

Boredom

Discomfort

Nervousness

… Hair twirling or curling around fingers

Sexual connotation

Insecurity

Lack of confidence

… Head tilted

Shows interest

… Kicking something

Irritation

Anger

Contemplation (when someone aimlessly kicks something around)

… Nail biting

Insecurity

Nervousness

… Neck (Rubbing the back of your neck)

Frustration

… Nose rubbing (slow, light touch)

Doubt

Rubbing your nose during a lengthy conversation often indicates lying or deceitfulness.

… Nose (Pinching the bridge of the nose)

Doubting the truth of what someone is saying.

… Rubbing or scratching head

Disbelief

Inability to get a point across

… Stroking Chin

Evaluation

Stroking ends when a decision has been reached

… Touching

Affection

Need for reassurance

… Unbuttoning a coat or jacket, taking off a jacket

Friendliness

Aaah, and this is just the beginning. In Gestures, Part II, Hand Movements will be covered. Understanding and managing every aspect of communication is not only the path to creating great first impressions, it’s also the path to close, long term and very lucrative relationships. Stay tuned.

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To subscribe for your free TNNW Newsletter, go to http://www.thenationalnetworker.com/ For the complete National Networker (TNNW) Relationship Capital Toolkit and a free continuous RSS feed (available either by traditional RSS or by direct email), go to: http://thenationalnetworkerweblog.blogspot.com/

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JETNETTING: The First Impression Factor: XIII Gestures Part 1