THE REHUMANIZATION OF NETWORKING: Respect My Time

The Rehumanization of Networking
with Douglas Castle

Dear Friends (and I occasionally use that term patronizingly, as some of the alternatives which come immediately to mind are unprintable):

Have you experienced any of the following "counterintuitive" phenomena in your relationship-building efforts? [No need to answer out loud -- the people nearby will think that you are crazy]:
1. The persons who want something from you for free are a great deal more persistent than those who pay you for your time and effort.

2. The persons who want something from you for free tend to be far less patient with you than those who pay for your time and effort.

3. The persons who want something from you for free tend to shirk your needs (no matter how minor) aside when they are "working" for "money", or with a "paying" "client".

4. The persons who tend to ceaselessly demand the most of you tend to return the least.

5. That persons who flatter you with the biggest trowelful of adoration tend to follow that flattery with a demand that you do some "homework" for them...usually a great deal of work requiring a great amount of your time.

6. That persons frequently use the leverage of friendship or partnership as a ruse or excuse to make you work harder, faster and for less compensation.

7. That you find yourself afraid to ask for the compensation which you deserve because you feel that you will either lose friends or clients.

8. That you get far fewer business or professional referrals from persons when you do things for them gratis than when you have billed for your time or achievements.

9. That when people say "we" they often mean just "you."

10. That those people who court you, solicit you, corner you and "pick your brain" without ever getting down to the part of the discussion where they ask, "And what, brilliant sir, might you require in compensation for your services? Please let me know. When can we commence? Do you require a cheque or a wire transfer? May I pick up this tab for lunch?" are the ones who will unhesitatingly tell third parties behind your back..."I have a hard time working with/ getting a hold of/ understanding that guy."

If you have experienced these phenomena, you are not alone. You are in good company. Don't be cynical -- it isn't that people are mistreating you deliberately. It is actually of a function of two things:

1. People's hard-wired and societally-reinforced behaviors and responses to certain subtle signals;

2. Your failure to acknowledge and deal with #1, immediately above.

You set a bad precedent when you don't forewarn or pre-advise people of each of the following cold realities. Do this early on in the game:

• You are an expert;
• Your time is scarce, and that it is worth money;
• Your priorities, of necessity, will go toward those persons who pay for your services;
• There are limits to your time and availability;
• You must insist upon their cooperation or they will have contributed to your failure.

If you meet with too much resistence, move on politely. If they start to offer you other forms of compensation in lieu of your fee, move on politely (with a few exceptions -- see below). If they tell you of their lamentable poverty, refer them to Social Services and then move on.

If someone asks me, "Douglas...if you really believe in my project so much why don't you just work on a percentage, or be a junior partner?" I must question their motives, as well as their likelihood of winning at what they are at work on, lest I gamble away my chance at certain profits through guaranteed compensation per hour or per engagement. Choose speculative opportunities carefully -- only the very best should be the exceptions to the "I get paid a fee" principle.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Be certain that people respect your time, and that you respect your own time by bringing this TIME IS MONEY subject up early on in the realtionship. Then, invest your time very wisely, and make good decisions.

Faithfully,

Douglas Castle

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THE REHUMANIZATION OF NETWORKING: Respect My Time

THE REHUMANIZATION OF NETWORKING: Walking On Eggshells

The Rehumanization of Networking with Douglas Castle

Whoever You Are:

This is my newly-featured column. Adam J. Kovitz (who loves to see his name in print) appeared to me in a vision and said, "Son, I believe it is time for you to write about whatever you want to write about, instead of the usual insipid, prosaic pap that I force you write about. Go off and build a life for yourself. Make me proud. Try not to be too graphic or use too much profanity."

WALKING ON EGGSHELLS

I have done it. So have you. It feels degrading. It feels like enslavement. It feels embarrassing. It is emotionally exhausting. It robs you of your self-respect. It makes you look foolish to everyone who actually knows you. It takes so much of your time. And what's so very sad about it -- IT ALMOST NEVER WORKS!

Yes. I am speaking (and very quietly, so you have to listen very, very closely and carefully) about walking on eggshells. This is a social ritual where we perceive someone as being so valuable to us that we are prepared to compromise virtually everything, including our time, our opinions, our principles. We meet someone with something we'd like (i.e., investment capital, important contacts, personal fame, a wonderful body for our exploration, a great job opportunity), and we put him/her on a pedestal. We are afraid to ask for anything "prematurely," for fear that it will become obvious to this person that we are "after something." So we begin the dance.

We are inoffensive. We laugh at jokes that we don't think are funny. We "suck up". We stop being who we truly are, are try to become the person we thank that our targeted person would want us to be. We turn into Hoke, and the target person becomes Miss Daisy. Worst...we invest an incredible amount of time "romancing" the target person with absolutely no certainty that we will get that special something we are after. We always have the unsettling feeling that that person might lose interest in us, or stop noticing us, or become disenchanted with us, or think that we are too aggressive -- or, when we finally work up the courage to ask something of them --turn us down.

Here are some unsettling facts:

1. Our target person, no matter how seemingly stupid, invariably senses what we are doing;

2. Our target person actually resents our sycophantic, simpering, cloying conduct, but indulges us out of a sense of pity, entertainment, egomania or good manners;

3. Our target person is absolutely waiting for us to ask for something, or to make some request;

4. Our target person has been through this ritual as many times as we have;

5. Our target person has actually made up his or her mind as to whether or not he or she would like to engage us within the first hour of our acquaintance. With every minute after this, we are wasting time.

My suggestion: Don't ever prostitute yourself unless 1) you know that the other person wants what YOU have to offer and 2) can pay for it. Otherwise...

Do a flamenco on the eggshells at your soonest moment. Treat your targeted hotshot as you would another Human being. If you want something of that person, ASK. And ask soon. You can spend six months kissing up to someone who thinks that you are the quintessential numbskull, and be rejected in six months. Think of the wasted time. Think of all of those lunch and dinner tabs.

Learn to listen to and to trust your instincts about people. If your connection feels good, it is at least a 60% - 40% proposition that you can ask for something reasonable and get it in relatively short order. If your connection feels bad (when the person to whom you are trying to ingratiate yourself is not even making eye contact with you, and is looking around the room for other persons, or is smiling for the camera, or is obviously preoccupied or distracted) it is a 99% - 1% proposition that he or she has no interest in you, or in accommodating you. This is not to say that you should not use your best efforts (and charm, if you've got any) in order to get your target person's undivided attention for long enough to establish a brief Human-to-Human, one-on-one connection. Persistence pays. Ask Madonna, Stallone, Ted Turner, Donald Trump, Oprah, Bill Gates...

But bear in mind that persistence is very different than just "cozying up" (except possibly in the case of Madonna, who was a legendary innovator when it came to actually combining the two). Sometimes you can ask repeatedly, and the target person eventually relents. Be persistent in asking -- not in merely "getting close to greatness." Expedite the trial and error process by breaking the eggshells.

Don't walk on eggshells. Ask for what you want, and ask early on. Life is far too short and far to uncertain to waste a second of it away from the things that actually work. Ask for what you want. Ask early on. If someone says no, ask again. But understand that the game isn't on until you've actually asked.

Thank you, one and all.

Faithfully,

Douglas Castle

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THE REHUMANIZATION OF NETWORKING: Walking On Eggshells