BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics

BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics

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HEY YOU! Yes you. Since you are now a Subscriber to THE NATIONAL NETWORKER NEWSLETTER, you are invited to submit your own favorite amazing fact or statistic. If you’d like, we’ll even publish your name (or your organization’s name) if you'd like and give you credit for your contribution. Note: Unless you are particularly dense, you will recognize that we are actually offering you FREE PUBLICITY in exchange for a mere tidbit of information.

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AND NOW...

A compilation of utterly useless information brought to you by The Internationalist Page, About.com and THE NATIONAL NEWSPICKER™.

Following is a veritable cesspool teeming with trivial items to use in pick-up lines in bars, to fill awkward silences in credit committee meetings, and to forward (via email) to the spam filters of Oprah, Bill O’Reilly, Bono, Paris Hilton, Harry Potter [either one], any member of the board of directors of Bank Of America, the president or prime minister of your home nation, or one or more of your many friends, family members and people who have far too much time on their hands.

Here goes:

In honor of the nine year anniversary of George W. Bush claiming the presidency (December 13th, 2000) of the United States from Al Gore, 36 days after Election Day we present to you:

The 50 Dumbest Bush Quotes of All Time

50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." --at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." --Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

47. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." --Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

46. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

45. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." --at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001 (Listen to audio clip)

44. "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

43. "The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." --Washington, D.C., July 12, 2007

42. "I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." --as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War

41. "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." --discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson in 2003, as quoted by Robertson

40. 3. "I think I was unprepared for war." –on the biggest regret of his presidency, ABC News interview, Dec. 1, 2008

39. "I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." --talking to key Republicans about Iraq, as quoted by Bob Woodward

38. "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." --presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 (Watch video clip)

37. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." --Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

36. "Do you have blacks, too?" --to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

35. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." --as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

34. "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." --on "Good Morning America," Sept. 1, 2005, six days after repeated warnings from experts about the scope of damage expected from Hurricane Katrina

33. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." --Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

32. "I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006

31. "They misunderestimated me." --Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

30. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." --Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

29. "This is an impressive crowd -- the haves and the have mores. Some people call you the elite -- I call you my base." --at the 2000 Al Smith dinner

28. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

27. "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right." --Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001

26. "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 (Listen to audio clip)

25. "People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." --Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002

24. "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." --after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004

23. "You forgot Poland." --to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition, Miami, Fla., Sept. 30, 2004

22. "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --in parting words to world leaders at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as those present looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

21. "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." --State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003, making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false

20. "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." --Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001

19. "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." --Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

18. "So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008

17. "Can we win? I don't think you can win it." --after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004

16. "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." --Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002

15. "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." --to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004

14. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." --speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003

13. "We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories ... And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." --Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003

12. "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" --joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004 (Read more)

11. "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." --Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

10. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000

9. "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007 (Watch video clip)

8. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." --Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

7. "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." --Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006 (Read more; listen to audio clip; watch video clip)

6. "There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on --shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." --Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch video clip)

5. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

4. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video clip)

3. "You work three jobs? ... Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005 (Listen to audio clip)

2. "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." --to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005 (Listen to audio clip; watch video clip)

1. "My answer is bring them on." --on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003


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BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics

BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics

BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics

NOW FEATURING READER PARTICIPATION!

IF YOU have an amazing fact, statistic or hysterical story to share with out readership, tell us right now. Don't be selfish. Share if you care. Just click:

HERE'S MY AMAZING FACT, STATISTIC OR STORY!

You are invited to submit your favorite amazing fact or little-known statistic and get it published here, boldly showcased in the perfectly rectangular enclosure of BLUE THING #3. But be advised that you must be a Subscriber in order to participate. If you're not already a subscriber, click on the following link before you read on: http://twitlik.com/IN. If you are already a Subscriber, please proceed to the next paragraph for "the elevator pitch."

HEY YOU! Yes you. Since you are now a Subscriber to THE NATIONAL NETWORKER NEWSLETTER, you are invited to submit your own favorite amazing fact or statistic. If you’d like, we’ll even publish your name (or your organization’s name) if you'd like and give you credit for your contribution. Note: Unless you are particularly dense, you will recognize that we are actually offering you FREE PUBLICITY in exchange for a mere tidbit of information.

Simply click on the hyperlink below to submit your gem:

*I/WE HAVE AN AMAZING NEW FACT OR STATISTIC!*

If the hyperlink above isn’t working, first you must first blame your browser (Internet Explorer 8 seems to be an exceptionally popular source of consumer dissatisfaction), then your ISP Provider, then Bill Gates (or Steve Jobs), and mutter a rapid string of profanities under your breath. Kick furniture if you feel it necessary. [feel better?] Then, just click on this one, and get direct access.

https://ciof.wufoo.com/forms/iwe-have-an-amazing-new-fact-or-statistic/

AND NOW...

A compilation of utterly useless information brought to you by The Internationalist Page, Jokes2Go.com and THE NATIONAL NEWSPICKER™.

Following is a veritable cesspool teeming with trivial items to use in pick-up lines in bars, to fill awkward silences in credit committee meetings, and to forward (via email) to the spam filters of Oprah, Bill O’Reilly, Bono, Paris Hilton, Harry Potter [either one], any member of the board of directors of Bank Of America, the president or prime minister of your home nation, or one or more of your many friends, family members and people who have far too much time on their hands.

Here goes:

In honor of comedian Steven Wright's Birthday (December 6th, 1955), we present to you:

Steven Wright One-Liners

1. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've
forgotten this before.


2. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my shadow.


3. I was once walking through the forest alone.  A tree fell right in front of me
-- and I didn't hear it.


4. He asked me if I knew what time it was.  I said, "Yes, but not right now."


5. I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into
another dimension.


6. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.  No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.


7. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  So I'm going to move to New
York.


8. I like to reminisce with people I don't know.


9. I like to skate on the other side of the ice.


10. I'm so hyper...  (Said with a very dull voice.)


11. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.


12. Four years ago...  No, it was yesterday. Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...  No, I don't.


13. Is it weird in here, or is it just me?


14. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."


15. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for
a satellite picture.


16. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...


17. Sorry, my mind was wandering.  One time my mind went all the way to Venus on
mail order and I couldn't pay for it.


18. I have a map of the United States...  Actual size.  It says, "Scale:  1 mile =
1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I also have a full-size map of the
world.  I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".


19. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.


20. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.


21. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.


22. You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?


23. I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it.


24. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.


25. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.


26. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."


27. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.


28. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.


29. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With
Pail...  Kitten On Fire.


30. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by
children.  They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

31. Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food.  My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous.  Besides, I
haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.


32. One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.  The movie cost me $95.


33. I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00, children $2.50.  So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."


34. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.


35. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it.


36. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.


37. I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.


38. Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle,
Washington.  One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I
swim without getting wet?"  Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy
and drinking straight Bosco on the job.


39. I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The clerk said,
"ten-four."


40. I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies."  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...


41. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."


42. I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."


43. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had
to buy them again.


44. I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and
said, "Can I help you?"  And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?"  He
said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?"  I said, "You started
this."


45. I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.


46. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.


47. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.


48. Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl.
She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.


49. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...  I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled my humidifier with wax,
and now my room is all shiny.


50. Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...


51. I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I laid down in
front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.


52. My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...


53. I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.


54. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.


55. I invented the cordless extension cord.


56. Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings.  Whenever I get lonely I
open it up just a bit and I get a call.  One time I dropped the box all over
the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected.  I
bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an
irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it.


57. I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said, "Steven, why haven't
you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no
five on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...
My calendar has no sevens on it."


58. I  plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."


59. Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said, "Hello?"  And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They said, "Uh...  I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."


60. I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!


61. Last week I bought a new phone.  I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the
wall...  Pressed redial.  The phone had a nervous breakdown.


62. I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I'm not home and somebody
calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.  I like to leave messages
before the beep.


63. I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this...


64. I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.


65. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."


66. I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is  playing so I bought the
album.


67. I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything.


68. What's another word for Thesaurus?


69. Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song? The guy who
wrote that song wrote everything.


70. My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in 1912...  Well,
to make a long story short ...


71. I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill
in the rest.


72. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.


73. I wrote a few children's books...  Not on purpose.


74. I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed reading accident.  I hit a
book mark and flew across the room.


75. I installed a skylight in my apartment....  The people who live above me are
furious!


76. All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...  With a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money
in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."


77. While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom.  They
put it in *exactly* the same  place it was.  When I told my roommate, he said:
"Do I know you?"


78. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman
in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out."


79. Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...  It feels real."


80. In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...  So I never
have to go upstairs.


81. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.


82. All the  plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing
them by watering them with ice cubes.


83. Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.


84. I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it.  I write right on the bill,
"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."


85. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.


86. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.


87. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it around for a while.  I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived.  I said, "right
here, officer".  Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"


88. My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

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BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics