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Thursday, February 11, 2010


Nightmares of Networking
with "The Mad Genius"

Why the long face my little mentee? You are ugly enough that adding any area to that facade is enough to violate nuisance laws. Definitely a face made for radio.

Oh, you look like you are going to cry. As you are not near any onions nor have I truly started to interact with you, I assume that you are displaying negative emotions carried into my castle with you. Probably associated with your lack of love life, as you are as attractive as a sea sick crocodile. But you know, there are some things that you can do about it without resolving to radical cosmetic surgery coupled with gastric by-pass, which I think you should consider as you have not taken my last advice about caloric reduction being directly correlated with waist line reduction. But maybe you will listen to this advice, my not so little neandrathal networker.

The first thing I would recommend is a re-iteration of last time: start exercising more. The seratonin will definitely improve your mood, and if you start dropping the kilograms the positive re-inforcement will actually make you move the corners of your mouth upwards. You may actually also gain some self confidence and stop looking at my feet all the time. This will work wonders to make you more attractive, and not in the gravitational sense.

Secondly, grooming is important. Green teeth are not attractive to anything other than a Morlock. Remember our discussion a while back about the brilliant CTO whose clothing was like the bastard child of Jimi Hendrix and Tom Hanks various personae? You need to do all you can to make a good first visual impression, especially since your substance is about as deep as the current nanotechnology wafers. Granted, excrement cannot be polished, but we can make sure that it is at least presented in a positive light.

Speaking of excrement, what is that stench? Eau de regurgitated cheese doodle? You know that gaseous warfare was outlawed under the Geneva Convention, correct? I would suggest that you drastically reduce the amount of cologne you use: it is not a substitute for a shower. I smelt you coming up the stairs roughly ten thousand milliseconds before I had visual confirmation that it was you and not one of my Swamp Thing experiments gone awry. And yes, washing is required. With soap. Don’t pout: you remind me of my three year old Mini Me when I take his slide rule away. Yes olfactory offensive one, I have passed on my genetic code to ensure continuance of the world conquest. If you actually apply effort to be the external force from Newton’s First Law of a rather large body at rest, maybe you too can couple with the opposite sex instead of living in a fantasy world online. No, leather clad avatars are not real, and your girlfriend in Alaska that you never met and only Skype with while playing World of Warcraft does not count as “dating”. She in all likelihood does look like a ninth level Mohawk. I pity the fool!

Dust off the container of Nutter Butter crumbs from your shirt, put down the gallon sized Uber Sugar Energy Drink, and start to apply these ideas or else your family tree will meet a lumberjack.

Now leave so I can cauterize the offended nasal receptors you have utterly disrupted. For you are now dangerously close to entering the Hall of Shame for Networking Nightmares!

For more secrets, you may visit the TNNW Bio of "The Mad Genius", if you dare.

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