JetNetting with Heshie SegalEye contact, eye contact, eye contact. This is where virtually ALL face-to-face communication starts. We hear it time and again. Make eye contact and you connect! Is it really that simple? Yes and no. Yes, because it is the first step in the formation of someone’s perception of you. No, because a smile, a handshake, and additional factors also play a role. That being said, without the eye contact, the other things may not matter. Avoidance of eye contact, at least in the American culture, creates a disconnect. Is it really that bad? Yes, it is. The first impression sets the stage for future relationships and this negative impression is one that can be difficult to overcome.
When you make direct eye contact, you convey interest, friendliness, concern, trust and credibility. You create a bond that builds rapport. It helps you assess communication. In fact, “eye watching" allows you to check out the eyes of the other party to see if you are communicating effectively. It can give you clues as to how to continue or change your communication for greater impact. It is a matter of being observant and having a willingness to change with the flow. Now, doing that, makes a positive first impression.
How do I make good eye contact?
Be engaging, attentive, focused and personally grounded. Don’t stare, don’t glare, don’t divert your eyes. Simply look directly into someone’s eyes, blink naturally and show authentic interest.
I’m often asked, “Is there a generally accepted length of time for the eyes to connect?”
The situation may determine the appropriate time span for eye contact. It’s common sense to say: not too long, not too short. Generally speaking, after the first moments have passed, you can slowly move your gaze away without disruption. To be more exact, if you prolong eye contact for more than about four to seven seconds, it may become too pointed, too intense; or, it can be perceived as a come-on or a power trip and can make others feel uncomfortable. To every ‘rule’ there is an exception – with a gentle and interested gaze some people can maintain eye contact for very long periods of time, without the other experiencing any signs of discomfort. Extended eye contact might also occur for some people when they become defensive or feel put upon. Eye contact might become longer and more intense. Pupils often dilate in this situation.
Who tends to use prolonged eye contact?
People maintain longer eye contact when they are listening as opposed to when they are speaking. Abstract thinkers can hold someone's gaze longer than concrete, analytical thinkers. They ponder the eye contact and are not easily distract by it. Women can maintain initial and general eye contact longer than men.
What happens when eye contact is too short or even avoided?
By not making eye contact in our North American culture (including looking at the floor, the ceiling or anywhere other than at the person to whom you are speaking), you unknowingly tend to create negative impressions in the mind of another. When someone cannot look you in the eye, you tend to become suspicious, question why not and think the other person has something to hide. Lack of eye contact tends to signal dislike, anxiety, deception, disapproval, disinterest, wanting to be somewhere other than where you are and a host of other negatives. If you are in conversation and expecting someone or are looking for someone or something, let the other
person know and, even invite them to look with you. Don’t let them misconstrue your motives as a lack of caring and or interest.
Who keeps eye contact to a minimum or even avoids it?
· Some cultures consider it disrespectful to make direct eye contact. In fact, they will completely avoid it. Honor the culture and do not be offended or make an unfair judgment.
· Shy people tend to have very short eye contact, if any, and this is a decided disadvantage. By keeping it to a minimum or trying to avoid it, it gives the shy person less of an opportunity for optimum communication. As honest and well-intentioned as they might be, they are looked upon with doubt and distrust because of their failure to look someone in the eye.
· People with low self-esteem find it difficult to hold someone else’s gaze. They find more comfort in looking away and even down.
· Concrete thinkers need to spend more time integrating information and tend to avoid extended eye contact as well.
People tend to trust, believe and respect those who can look them in the eye. Why would you
want to do otherwise? If this takes you out of your comfort zone, challenge yourself to do it anyway. It’s a crucial element in the glue that keeps communication flowing and people connected.
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1 comment:
Hello Heshie Segal, I enjoy reading your contributions to The National Networker. I'm always seeking new ideas about networking, especially the person to person type of contact.
Before 1990 I was giving talks on networking and involved in several groups and helped found several of them. In 1990 my Chamber of Commerce launched a Networking Skills Workshop. As co-faciltator monthly except two I've had the thrill of reaching nearly 10,000 through monthly workshops.
We recommend that instead of looking directly into people's eyes, you look at the bridge of the nose, BETWEEN the eyes. That direct look makes it seem as if you are looking right into their souls, and it makes the other person feel very uncomfortable.
Just something you might want to think about and want to explore.
Keep up the good work!
Alice Dykeman, APR, Fellow PRSA
Dykeman Associates Inc.
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