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Sunday, July 18, 2010

BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics




AND NOW...
A compilation of utterly useless information brought to you by www.weirdload.com and THE NATIONAL NEWSPICKER™.

Following is a veritable cesspool teeming with trivial items to use in pick-up lines in bars, to fill awkward silences in credit committee meetings, and to forward (via email) to the spam filters of Oprah, Bill O’Reilly, Bono, Paris Hilton, Harry Potter [either one], any member of the board of directors of Bank of America, the president or prime minister of your home nation, or one or more of your many friends, family members and people who have far too much time on their hands.

Here goes:

Honoring the first people to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on July 20, 1969, we boldly go and present:

Little-known Facts About NASA's Apollo 11 Mission


PERILS OF SPACEFLIGHT, PART I

A problem with a water filter afflicted the crew with excessive and “fragrant” flatulence throughout the entire mission.

PERILS OF SPACEFLIGHT, PART II

Due to the unexpected presence of boulders, the Eagle had to fly for some distance beyond the intended landing site. The computer overloaded and they very nearly ran out of fuel. Since the Lunar Module was already below the altitude at which the astronauts could have ejected the landing stage and safely aborted, they were mere seconds away from a fatal crash when the touchdown light finally lit.

LOST IN SPACE

Partially because of the change in landing place, no-one knew the LM‘s exact position on the Moon until afterwards, using the laser reflectors deployed during the moonwalk. Mike Collins in Columbia, the Command Module, was never able to spot Tranquility Base from lunar orbit.

ANCIENT RITUAL

Buzz Aldrin, during the moment of silence he called for to give thanks right after the landing, took Holy Communion in the form of a small wafer and wine from a tiny chalice.

EXIT, STAGE RIGHT

Neil Armstrong went out first because the door only worked that way in the cramped confines of the LEM.

FAMOUS WORDS

Armstrong’s historic statement actually sounded like “That’s one small step for man ...ah... one giant leap for mankind.” Neil has always claimed he said “a man” but the “a” was lost in transmission. It didn’t sound that way, though he was right: the sound was recently found on the audio recording. Still pretty cool.

HISTORIC MARKER

The plaque had a mistake on it too: the date read “JULY 1969, A.D.” It should have been “JULY, A.D. 1969”. President Nixon also had the wording changed from “WE COME IN PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND” to “WE CAME IN PEACE...” Nixon later scuttled the final Apollo missions.

ANOTHER GIANT LEAP

Armstrong may have been the first man to set foot on the Moon, but Aldrin was the first to pee there. He used the relief tube built into his spacesuit moments after stepping out, on live TV with millions of people watching.

SACRED OFFERINGS

As a traditional sign of peace, Buzz planned to leave on the Moon a small gold olive branch, along with an Apollo 1 patch and two Russian cosmonaut medallions in honor of those killed in the space race. He forgot until the last moment, and simply tossed them unceremoniously onto the surface on his way back up the ladder. The astronauts also chucked out their moonboots, backpacks, a sack of garbage and their urine bags.

OTHERWORLDLY ODOR

When the astronauts took off their helmets inside the LM after their moonwalk, they noticed a strong odor. Neil described it as “wet ashes in a fireplace” and Buzz as “spent gunpowder”. It was the smell of moondust. NASA, by the way, had been worried that moondust might explode on contact with oxygen.

UNFAVORABLE OMEN

The astronauts had a lot of trouble planting the American flag in the hard lunar soil, afraid it might fall over on live TV. During the lift-off from the Moon, however, Buzz watched as the Stars and Stripes indeed “toppled into the dust”.

YOUR PAPERS, PLEASE

The Apollo 11 crew, and all spacefaring crews ever since, had to fill out Customs forms on arriving back in the US.

THE FINAL COST

Whiling away the hours after the mission in quarantine in Houston, Buzz filled out a government expense account report for the journey. Total amount reimbursed: $33.31.

SO MUCH FOR HISTORY

The high resolution tapes of the actual landing – far better than the grainy video shot off a screen that was actually broadcast — has been lost, thrown out, or reused.

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We strongly encourage READER PARTICIPATION.

HEY YOU! Yes you. You are invited to submit your own favorite amazing fact or statistic. If you’d like, we’ll even publish your name (or your organization’s name) and give you credit for your contribution. Note: Unless you are particularly dense, you will recognize that we are actually offering you FREE PUBLICITY in exchange for a mere tidbit of information.

Simply click on the hyperlink below to submit your gem:


If the hyperlink above isn’t working, first you must first blame your browser (Internet Explorer 8 seems to be an exceptionally popular source of consumer dissatisfaction), then your ISP Provider, then Bill Gates (or Steve Jobs), and mutter a rapid string of profanities under your breath. Kick furniture if you feel it necessary. [Feel better?] Then, just click on this one, and get direct access.


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