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Sunday, January 24, 2010


Nightmares of Networking
with "The Mad Genius"

Ah my little puppy, you have returned home to me for the start of the annual temporal cycle. This is good, for the resetting of goals to strive for combined with a reflection of past activities and their results is a method for improvement. Something you need vast quantities of. As opposed to more to eat.

I assume that you consumed a large quantity of egg nog and cookies, as you are wearing your “comfy pants.” I am titillated by your Saint Nicholas attempt: you do make a jolly fat man. Maybe the first thing you should attempt to achieve this year is a modicum of self control, especially when bacon wrapped anything are around. Do you realize that an extra hundred calories a day will equate to ten pounds of fat by the end of the year, just extra insulation on your body producing additional stress on your joints and heart? Supersizing those portions is supersizing your waistline.

What, you say you are in good shape? I agree: round is a good shape. Doing a quick interpolation, I predict you will achieve perfect spheroidity in about four years at your current pace. Given the geometric acceleration of your weight gain I think it actually might be by next Tuesday though.

Ignoring the medical costs, as well as the financial ones of having to get all your clothing specially made at Omar the Tent Maker's and that you are consuming enough calories to fuel a Lance Armstrong/Michael Phelps endurance contest, have you considered the effect of your mass and lethargy on your ability to attract people? And I do not refer to using your gravitational field, even though you are approaching event horizon status.

It is a psychological fact that successful people take better care of themselves than average, and Dr. Stanley's research shows that those who are decamillionaire status or above on average partake in physical activity for multiple hours a week. In fact, they attribute a portion of their success to having the physical stamina to out work others over an extended period while maintaining a high level of excellence. Maybe you should pay attention to this, as you do have expressed interest in becoming financially successful.

Do you know that biophysical studies have shown that exercise is more effective in the morning? There are two components to this: it accelerates your metabolism and forces your body to consume calories at a higher rate for a longer period by doing it early. A thirty minute workout in the morning actually burns more calories through the rest of the day than during the workout itself. The second is that you are less likely to blow it off because of a long day at work or other distractions if you just get it over with. So get your fat ass out of bed and motivating, and eventually I won't be able to call you fat ass anymore.

And since the networking events you frequent many evenings are obviously your dietary downfall, here are a few simple tips for you to remember to minimize the damage to you so you can stop bruising the pavement as you walk.

First: knock off the ethanol. You are already deficient with your neuronic number, so stop accelerating the decline unless you are trying to prove Darwin correct. Drink water or diet sodas at these soirees, that alone should be several hundred calories per night. And since you are out about three nights a week at these facial interaction events, that is over a pound of flab a month reduction without any other changes.

Next, eat from the vegetable platter primarily, not the cheese platter As you are currently more hippo than human this should be easy to mime a mobile vegetarian land mass. The lower caloric density of these non-processed flora foods will shave an additional thousand calories a week from your intake, thus reducing your weight by another pound per month.

Go ahead and have one or two bacon wrapped deep fried things: a little will be just enough to make you feel good. Sort of like compliments from me. But between actually getting some exercise and altering your eating habits in the manners we just discussed, even with these small splurges you will lose roughly a pound a week for the first half of the year, and then a slower loss thereafter. A negative fifteen kilograms this next year will do wonders for your self image, not to mention the effect on your public persona. Oh, and feel free to tell anyone that hazes you about grazing or being on the wagon and eating rabbit food or whatever that you are serious about your weight loss. If they are not supportive than you know to excuse yourself and increase the separation from them dramatically, as they will not aid you in your quest for personal excellence. Do not allow these individuals to even talk to you as they bring no value in terms of aligning with your goals as I do via my tough love.

And now my not so little friend you must depart, as I must get back to my schemes for world domination. This years method: gain public acceptance by making it to the New York Times Best Seller's List. The revenue and attention will definitely advance my mission of oligarchic control. And if you get back down to being a hundred kilogram weakling, maybe you to can join me at the celebration. Just avoid the deep fried bacon wrapped lard balls!

For more secrets, you may visit the TNNW Bio of "The Mad Genius", if you dare.

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