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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics

A compilation of utterly useless information brought to you by, and THE NATIONAL NEWSPICKER™...

Remembering John Cleese's final performance on legendary British TV show, Monty Python's Flying Circus on January 18th, 1973 we proudly present:

Funny Monty Python Quotes

  • “It was a fantastic success. Over 60 000 times more powerful than Britain’s great pre-war joke, and one which Hitler just couldn’t match.”
  • “Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark”
  • Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
  • “I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
  • “My philosophy, like color television, is all there in black and white”
  • BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.
    BRIAN: What?
    BEN: Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
    BRIAN: What do you mean?
    BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
    BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
    BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang
    awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
  • BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!
    BEN: Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be
    put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.
    BRIAN: Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
    BEN: You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me
    the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou--
    BRIAN: All right. All right.
    BEN: They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
    BRIAN: What will they do to me?
    BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
    BRIAN: Crucifixion?!
    BEN: Yeah, first offence.
    BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion?! It's--
    BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
    BRIAN: What?!
    BEN: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a
    right bloody mess.
    BRIAN: Guards!
    BEN: Nail him up, I say!”
  • “Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!”
  • “It's funny, isn't it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?”
  • “Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?”
  • “And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”
  • “There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not”
  • “Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock, Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock, Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok”
  • “I don't think there's a punch-line scheduled, is there?”
  • “Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non-existence of God, they have decided to fight for it”
  • “NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four* *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.”
  • “And now for something completely different.”
  • “He must be a king.
    He hasn't got s**t all over him.”
  • “We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.”
  • “Dinsdale, He was a nice boy...... He nailed my head to a coffee table.”
  • “STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
    REG: What?!
    LORETTA: It's my right as a man.
    JUDITH: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
    LORETTA: I want to have babies.
    REG: You want to have babies?!
    LORETTA: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
    REG: But... you can't have babies.
    LORETTA: Don't you oppress me.
    REG: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!”
  • “No it can't! An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.”
  • “He's not pining, he's passed on. This parrot is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff, bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't have nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies. He's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!”
  • “He's not the Messiah - he's a very naughty boy.”
  • “Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
    Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
    Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
    Biggles: Here they are, lord.
    Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
    Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.
    Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!
    Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
    Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
    Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
    Biggles: Yes, lord.”
  • “Of course, it’s a bit of a jump, isn’t it? I mean, er… chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go… You don’t think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say via banking?”
  • “This morning, shortly after 11 o’clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibbley Road. Sudden, violent comedy.”
  • Michelangelo [Eric Idle]: Good evening, Your Holiness.
    Pope [John Cleese]: Evening, Michelangelo. I want to talk to you about this painting of yours, The Last Supper. I'm not happy about it.
    Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took me hours.
    Pope: Not happy at all.
    Michelangelo: Is it the jello you don't like?
    Pope: No.
    Michelangelo: It does add a bit of colour, doesn't it. Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo.
    Pope: What kangaroo?
    Michelangelo: No problem, I'll paint him out.
    Pope: I never saw a kangaroo.
    Michelangelo: Uh, he's right at the back. No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. All right?
    Pope: That's the problem.
    Michelangelo: What is?
    Pope: The disciples.
    Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.
    Pope: No, it's just that there are 28 of them.
  • “I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you… your heads addled with novels and poems. You come home every evening reeling of Chateau le Tour.”
  • I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service.
  • Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.
  • Man: That was not five minutes just now.
    Mr. Vibrating: I told you I'm not allowed to argue with you unless you've paid.
    Man: I just paid.
    Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't.
    Man: Yes I have.
    Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't.
    Man: Look, I don't want to argue about this.
    Mr. Vibrating: Well you didn't pay.
    Man: Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? See, I've got you.
    Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
    Man: I've had enough of this.
    Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't.


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