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Sunday, August 15, 2010

BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics

A compilation of utterly useless information brought to you by and THE NATIONAL NEWSPICKER™.

Following is a veritable cesspool teeming with trivial items to use in pick-up lines in bars, to fill awkward silences in credit committee meetings, and to forward (via email) to the spam filters of Oprah, Bill O’Reilly, Bono, Paris Hilton, Harry Potter [either one], any member of the board of directors of Bank of America, the president or prime minister of your home nation, or one or more of your many friends, family members and people who have far too much time on their hands.

Here goes:

Honoring the debut of Monty Python's movie: The Life of Brian on August 17th, 1979, we proudly present:

Funny Quotes from Monty Python's The Life of Brian

Monty Python's Life of Brian is considered one of the best and most humorous comedy films of all time. Below is a sample of just how funny the movie is.
[first lines]
Wise Man #1: Ahem!
Brian's mother: Oh!
[falls over in chair]
Brian's mother: Who are you?
Wise Man #2: We are three wise men.
Brian's mother: What?
Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.
Brian's mother: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.

Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: F**k off! We're the People's Front of Judea

Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.

Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Brian's mother: Stop thinking about sex!
Brian: I wasn't!
Brian's mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?"
The Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
Brian's mother: The who?
The Crowd: The Messiah!
Brian's mother: There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!

Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.
Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
Brian: I do!
Reg: Oh yeah, how much?
Brian: A lot!
Reg: Right, you're in.

Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But you can't have babies.
Stan: Don't you oppress me.
Reg: Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?

Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
Brian: Did you say "ex-leper"?
Ex-Leper: That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
Brian: Well, what happened?
Ex-Leper: Oh, cured, sir.
Brian: Cured?
Ex-Leper: Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
Brian: Who cured you?
Ex-Leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, f**k off!
Arthur: How shall we f**k off, O Lord?

Brian: You have to be different!
The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice: I'm not!

Matthias: Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah".
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Stoner: Yes.
Jewish Official: Right...
Stoner: Well you did say "Jehovah. "
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah. "
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]


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