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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

BLUE THING #3: Amazing New Facts and Statistics




Why? These amazing facts and statistics are informative, fascinating, fun to forward to friends, and occasionally hysterical. This post is unbelievably hysterical. We promise. Read it. Click on the little envelope-shaped icon at the very bottom of the whole BLUE THING POSTING, and send this to 10 friends, colleagues or business associates with your own custom transmittal email attached. They'll thank you. Oh yes. They surely will.

NOW FEATURING A TAG CLOUD FOR THE WEEK - This cloud is generated from the TNNW RSS Feed and Daily Email Blog at http://TheNationalNetworker.blogspot.com

(You should be getting either the RSS Feed or the Daily Email to supplement your membership). The cloud is featured below, following the Amazing New Facts and Statistics.


We strongly encourage READER PARTICIPATION.

If you have an amazing fact, statistic or hysterical story to share with out readership, tell us right now. Don't be selfish. Share if you care. Just click:



You are invited to submit your favorite amazing fact or little-known statistic and get it published here, boldly showcased in the perfectly rectangular enclosure of BLUE THING #3. But be advised that you must be a subscriber in order to participate. If you're not already a subscriber, click on the following link before you read on: http://twitlik.com/IN. If you are already a subscriber, please proceed to the next paragraph for "the elevator pitch."


HEY YOU! Yes you. Since you are now a subscriber to THE NATIONAL NETWORKER NEWSLETTER, you are invited to submit your own favorite amazing fact or statistic. If you’d like, we’ll even publish your name (or your organization’s name) and give you credit for your contribution. Note: Unless you are particularly dense, you will recognize that we are actually offering you FREE PUBLICITY in exchange for a mere tidbit of information.

Simply click on the hyperlink below to submit your gem:


If the hyperlink above isn’t working, first you must first blame your browser (Internet Explorer 8 seems to be an exceptionally popular source of consumer dissatisfaction), then your ISP Provider, then Bill Gates (or Steve Jobs), and mutter a rapid string of profanities under your breath. Kick furniture if you feel it necessary. [Feel better?] Then, just click on this one, and get direct access.



AND NOW...
A compilation of utterly useless information brought to you by JokesAvailable, CaliforniaSpy.com, CleanFunJokes.com and THE NATIONAL NEWSPICKER™.

Following is a veritable cesspool teeming with trivial items to use in pick-up lines in bars, to fill awkward silences in credit committee meetings, and to forward (via email) to the spam filters of Oprah, Bill O’Reilly, Bono, Paris Hilton, Harry Potter [either one], any member of the board of directors of Bank of America, the president or prime minister of your home nation, or one or more of your many friends, family members and people who have far too much time on their hands.

Here goes:

In honor of the first recognized modern detective story -- Edgar Allen Poe's "The Murders in Rue Morgue" -- published on April 20, 1841, we proudly present:

Detective Humor

In the Woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Sherlock Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."


Undercover detective

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off."

A blonde detective

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it."This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds, "Tthink hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."


A jealous husband hires a private detective...

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing.

All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee." Amazing," said the shocked husband, "Simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."

"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log."

"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun."


Simple Curiosity

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her.

I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, "Well, not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you."



Steal from this family

After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. A detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"



Followed

"I'm fed up with your jealousy," the furious wife told her husband. "Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?"



Accidental Detective

Q: What do you call a detective who solves crimes entirely by accident?

A: Sheer Luck Holmes

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