"Do you know someone that you would like to change and improve?
Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on
yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable
than trying to improve others – and a lot less dangerous."
Criticizing others rarely does any good because people are not
creatures of logic, they are creatures of emotion. Very rarely will you
criticize someone and hear them respond with "Why thank you, I see you are
correct and I shall improve immediately."
No, criticism is a dangerous spark that usually brings out every
unbalanced Advisor (thoughts in your head) the other person has. When we feel attacked
(which is what being told you are wrong feels like), we usually respond in one of two
ways, 1) with hurtful emotion or 2) defensive anger. Neither of which is
productive in the least.
Can you remember a time when someone criticized you? Do you remember
how you REACTED? Did their criticism do any good? Did it inspire you to
improve? Probably not, it rarely does. How do you feel about that person
today?
As parents, we often stumble and destroy good lessons for our children
by criticizing them for their mistakes. In so doing, we create anger and
hurt directed at us, instead of letting the natural consequences of the
mistake teach the lesson.
Benjamin Franklin said his secret to success was to" speak ill of no
man and speak all the good I know of everybody." This is a good policy.
Any one can criticize, condemn and complain – and many do. But
it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. It
is also a much smarter way to live.
Instead of criticizing, try stepping into another person’s world. Ask
them questions, find out where they are and how they feel about an issue.
Validate them as a human being by caring about what they think and feel.
As you question, you may learn things about this person which explains
the problem. You may then, have the opportunity to show up for them (not to
advise or fix them) but offer to show up for them in a different way.
This approach will lead to more solutions, improvements and change than
any amount of criticism ever could.
Now what about when someone criticizes you? You will feel the
reaction, as they trigger those Advisors in you, to defend yourself. Don’t
do it. Step back.
From a safer perspective, you should be able to see that this person
owns this problem (it is about them – not you). See this criticism as a
door into their world, instead of as an attack on you. This is a wonderful
opportunity to walk through that door into their world and find out what is
really going on. Instead of defending yourself, ask them "Tell me why you
feel that way?"
Let them get it out. Ask more questions, find out how they feel and
where these perceptions of theirs have come from. Make sure that they feel
heard and understood. (This does not mean you agree with them – This does
not mean you will give them their way) It means that you will validate them
as a person with the right to feel the way they do. You will let them feel
heard.
From here you can work on a solution to strengthen the relationship.
Whenever you are on either end of criticism – ask yourself what
your highest best self would do. Treat others as you would be treated.
Excerpts from
Ellen Cahill, Six Advisors Consultant, ellen@leapsandboundscoaching.com, www.leapsandboundscoaching.com – 215-355-6316 (phone)
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